Did you hear about the mathematician who was afraid of negative numbers? He'd stop at nothing to avoid them.
A bigot, a sexist, & a fool walk into a bar.
Bartender says: "Sorry Mr. President—you know you're not welcome here."
My email password has been hacked again. That's the 3rd time now I've had to rename my cat.
I went to my allotment and found that there was twice as much soil as there was the week before. The plot thickens..
Why did they make the Star Wars movies out of order?
Because in charge of writing, Yoda was.
What does the RNLI do with poorly boats?....
Take them to the docs!
Did you use them in your mother of the bride speech?
Chukle, a couple of those actually made me.
Tourist in Belfast enters a pub, back during The Troubles to have a pint. Gets to talking to the regulars, seem friendly enough, until one asks him: "So, are you Protestant or Catholic?" "Neither" responds the tourist, "I'm an Atheist" "That's all well and good, but is it a Catholic God or Protestant God you don't believe in?"
I wonder what my parents did to fight boredom before the internet...
I asked my 13 brothers and sisters but they were mystified too.
Three nuns were attending a rugby final...
Three men were sitting directly behind...
Because their habits were partially blocking the view, the men decided to badger the nuns hoping that they'd get annoyed enough to move to another area...
In a very loud voice, the first guy said, "i think i'm going to move to sydney ... There are only 100 nuns living there...”
Then the second guy spoke up and said, “i want to go to tasmania .... There are only 50 nuns living there...”
The third guy said, "i want to go to new zealand .... There are only 25 nuns living there..."
one of the nuns turned around, looked at the men, and in a very sweet and calm voice said,
"why don’t you go to hell ... There aren't any nuns there!"
The top 15 funniest jokes from the Fringe
1. "I'm not a fan of the new pound coin, but then again, I hate all change" - Ken Cheng
2. "Trump's nothing like Hitler. There's no way he could write a book" - Frankie Boyle
3. "I've given up asking rhetorical questions. What's the point?" - Alexei Sayle
4. "I'm looking for the girl next door type. I'm just gonna keep moving house till I find her" - Lew Fitz
5. "I like to imagine the guy who invented the umbrella was going to call it the 'brella'. But he hesitated" - Andy Field
6. "Combine Harvesters. And you'll have a really big restaurant" - Mark Simmons
7. "I'm rubbish with names. It's not my fault, it's a condition. There's a name for it..." - Jimeoin
8. "I have two boys, 5 and 6. We're no good at naming things in our house" - Ed Byrne
9. "I wasn't particularly close to my dad before he died... which was lucky, because he trod on a land mine" - Olaf Falafel
10. "Whenever someone says, 'I don't believe in coincidences.' I say, 'Oh my God, me neither!"' - Alasdair Beckett-King
11. "A friend tricked me into going to Wimbledon by telling me it was a men's singles event" - Angela Barnes
12. "As a vegan, I think people who sell meat are disgusting; but apparently people who sell fruit and veg are grocer" - Adele Cliff
13. "For me dying is a lot like going camping. I don't want to do it" - Phil Wang
14. "I wonder how many chameleons snuck onto the Ark" - Adam Hess
15. "I went to a Pretenders gig. It was a tribute act" - Tim Vine
Avery short man went to the doctors, the doctor said that he would have to wait, he'd have to be a little patient.
Regards the Bear
Donald is walking out of the White House and headed towards his limo when a possible assassin steps forward and aims a gun.
A secret service agent, new on the job, shouts “Mickey Mouse!” This startles the would be assassin and he is captured.
Later, the secret service agent’s supervisor takes him aside and asks, “What on earth made you shout Mickey Mouse?”
Blushing, the agent replies, “I got nervous. I meant to shout Donald duck."
Then there was the dyslexic Yorkshire man with a cat flap on his head.