Tonight, I got an e-mail from my ex-wife, telling me that grandson Zach has a golf ball sized tumor in the middle of his brain. The doctor says it
requires surgery, which he is to get Friday morning at 5 a.m. (that would be 11 a.m. in Britain).
He and the rest of my daughter's family live in another state. It seems unlikely that I will get to see him and be with him because of the estrangement from my wife divorcing me; she will go there and stay with the family, and won't want me around. By virtue of my poverty, I would have a hard time paying for fuel and food; paying for a motel would just be too much.
It is one of the states that has been hit so hard with the ice storms. I can't stay in my car, as I might if it were during the summer. Nor have I explored if I would be allowed to visit; if daughter wants her mother to feel entirely at ease, she might not want me around in the hospital, either. She has not brought Zach to visit me in any of the years since the divorce.
So, I will pray, and I ask you to pray as well.
Scholar that is indeed sad news, we will of course highlite his plight in our prayers.
Sincere regards, the Bear
Will do, although I'd be inclined to be there for my child rather than consider the feelings of my ex if it were me.
She let you know about the op, she wants you to be there
I'm sure your wife told your daughter that she's told you.
I'll pray for Zach
I think any decent Father/Grandfather would want to be there if at all humanly possible.
However, perhaps there is more to not being able to go due to events in his past, which he doesn't wish to share with a of load cyber buddies who he doesn't really know, so maybe we should just accept that he's not going and move on....
No offence intended, and not having a dig at anyone, just my take on things...
Canít found the words, but I will pray
My thoughts are with you
blessing to you
Thoughts and prayers are with all of you, scholar.
Is there no way to go through the network of churches, to find someone who could put you up?
I'll be more clear about my family situation. Zach's mother is technically a step-daughter to me (though I raised her, she was old enough to
remember the years before I became her father). She felt closer to her mother anyway, and her mother has made a point of inviting her to
Thanksgivings, Christmases, and summer holidays, and never inviting me. Daughter has never given me her present address, or her phone number, or her
e-mail. She has not sent a Christmas card. My ex-wife told me to get out and had her internet boyfriend move into the apartment with her in less
than a month while we were still married, but she tells herself and her relatives that she did so because I was not a good enough husband (not because
she was unfaithful).
Daughter did not tell me about Zach; my ex-wife did, when she sent an e-mail to son Tim and myself. Would she have told me, if Tim was not living here with me? I don't know.
If my ex-wife has sufficiently poisoned daughter, or is sufficiently bitter toward me, it is possible that I would arrive at the hospital (hundreds of miles away) only to be told, "Get out of here. We have plenty of stress already over the illness. You're unwelcome. I'll tell the nurses and aides not to allow you into Zach's room." At this point, I don't even know for sure which city the hospital is in.
Or, it may be that daughter will say, "Dad! I've missed you! I'm so glad you came!"
If I were well off financially, I would definitely drive over and try, even if I might get shut out. Since I am poor, it might be the case that I would be unable to pay an important bill (electric, water, natural gas, auto insurance, telephone). So, I will try to get some assurance that I will not be unwelcome before I burn the fuel to go there. It would be sad indeed if I got to the state, and no one would tell me which city or hospital Zach is at.
However, I do not mean to shift the focus to me. I love Zach, and desire the very best for him.
I am praying as I type. It would be prudent to, at least, contact your daughter and offer to come. She could then either accept your offer or reject it. At the end of the day, you can, at least, say that you tried. If she accepts your offer, then you may be able to negotiate some form of visitation rights / place to stay or whatever. Your only problem then would be to get there. Our God is in the miracle business, and is more than able to resolve your problems.
You posted as I was typing, so, you could still make the effort, but it may have to be via the ex. I'll not hold much hope there, a card and letter sent via a common contact will, at least show that you care.
Leigh, since her telephone number is unlisted, and I don't know her address, and I don't know what city the hospital is in or the name of the hospital, I may have trouble reaching her. I will try.
Again, Scholar, I suspect we cross posted.
Better relationships among us could also be a subject of prayer.
At the risk of repeating myself, I'll express again:
My concern is being shut out. If Zach's mother says, "Don't let this man see Zach. He's not to be allowed in the room or in seeing distance" (which she may do, if she is under her mother's influence), then I won't go. If my presence would only give my daughter more stress and upset, and if I would not be able to see or speak with Zach either before or after the operation, then I think I would just as well stay home.
Or, are you all telling me this is one of those female communication things, that I am supposed to know that I should be there to show my love by being present, even if I am told I am unwelcome and will not be allowed to see or speak to Zach? (Of course, that will be hard if no one will tell me which city or hospital Zach will be in.)
Yes. I'm pretty sure that being there, even if not allowed into the room would be better in the long run. We women can be fickle but it is possible
that your efforts to show support would have long term dividends.
However, if money is really too tight then show support in some other way if you can.
At the very least, I'd get in touch if at all possible.
Rifts are healed or at least made better at times like this....
With a little help from a friend, I think I can get the fuel. If I pack sandwiches with me, my food shouldn't be much more than if I stay home.
If necessary, I could narrow down the hospitals to perhaps three. In the States, if you name the person you wish to visit, they will usually tell you, "He's in room D-310" or wherever. [I would be quite frustrated if I would set out, not knowing which hospital, and ultimately not be able to find him!]
Do others here agree that I should be present, even if not invited?
Since daughter has not seen me for some years, it will seem to her as if one of the Wraith has fed on me.
[If you don't know what I mean, it is a Stargate: Atlantis reference, which I can explain if necessary. I would guess Leigh knows what I mean.]
I just thought of another angle: If I simply show up, daughter doesn't have to make what might seem to be a choice between what may be her mother's
wishes, and mine. If I just say, "I'll be there, and I love you and Zach"--she doesn't have to explain to her mother why she didn't take
I have trouble with the subtleties of female communication.
I remember one time, decades ago, when my wife had a milkshake from McDonald's. One of the daughters took a sip of it. A little later, I took a taste as well. She got angry, and said something like, "Everybody else is drinking my shake. Well, go ahead, enjoy it all! I'm not going to drink it, now."
Of course, I said, "I just had a taste. I won't have any more. Enjoy your shake."
"No, no, I don't want it anymore. You have it."
"No, honey. It's your shake."
"No, you might as well have it. I don't want it, now."
"Are you saying that if I don't drink it, you'll just let it go to waste?"
So, I drank it, rather than let it go to waste. For years and years, she has recalled that incident, and has told me that I was supposed to know that, no matter what she said, she really didn't want me to drink the shake. She considers it to be male stupidity, to believe what a woman says when she really doesn't want what she says.
So, I wondered if this might be something like that. "Of course, you come to the hospital, when your grandson is having an operation. I had to tell you no, so Mom wouldn't think I was favoring you over her, but I really wanted you to come."
Any other opinions to express from the mysterious sex?
Badgergirl, I think you communicate more directly than many females do (socially, at least).
I think guys are generally more blunt.
From your earlier post, it sounds as if you've already declared yourself on the go-see-him-if-possible side.
You are right, female is a different species
You need to know the person so well as to have ESP
I hate eating/drinking something others has tasted. If anyone took a sip at my milkshake, I'd like a new one
I just got back online, after my computer froze. I think I have to do fewer operations at the same time.
Tim has plans to ride in his other sister's car, with her and my ex-wife. Either of them is wealthy, compared to me, so I figure they will feed him. I would guess they will all stay at Zach's family's house.
I'll be driving my own car. (It may be the Lord's own timing that I finally took it into the shop, and that they succeeded in repairing it at a reasonable price and returning it just this week. )
There have been other times when people have told me, "You don't have to drive so far to see me in the hospital"--but, when I was there, they were glad to see me. I think the common opinion here is right, that I should go for the Zach's sake (which also shows love for his mom).
Scholar, how old is Zach, please tell us a little about him. If you get an address we could send him a load of get well / Christmas cards. Children
love to recieve them.
Regards the Bear
I'm having trouble remembering when he was born. I think he's about ten years old now. He is quite large for his age--taller than his adult aunt.
I haven't been able to do anything with him since he was about 5 years old, so I don't know what he's like anymore.
His brain tumor was discovered when he was given an MRI in connection with diagnosing some symptoms. He'd had tremors or spasms--(I'm not sure of details), and there was concern that he might have Turret's syndrome or perhaps high functioning autism. They found the tumor and say that its pressure is affecting his function.
He loves fishing with his dad. He loves the outdoors. He's had asthma. His mother has (wisely) required strict obedience--you don't want a large child to think of challenging you.
I do plan to get an address for cards. I will look around the hospital for internet access, so I can tell you all how things are going.
Zach has my positive thoughts and prayers as do you dear friend
At the end of the day Scholar, all you can do is make the effort, if they say "Under no circumstances will you be welcome", then wisdom would dictate you stay home and send a card. If they say "Don't come", then I'd bust a gut to get there, if they then say "P*** off!", at least you can say that you tried, and they know that you care. At the end of the day, all that you'll need to do is to answer to God for your actions, what the rest of us think is of no consequence.
Daughter has not contacted me. Ex-wife has said she doesn't think it appropriate for me to go. She has also told me the surgery will be about noon.
I have had the unhappy thought, "She might be feeding me false information." I was originally told 5 a.m. on Friday. If the surgery is not until
noon, I would rather get up very early Friday and drive there. (I am thinking I may very well just sleep in a chair in the hospital, if I drive in
today, as I had originally planned. If I stay until Zach awakens to alertness after the operation, it could be two days of sleeping in chairs.) My
wife lies easily and well. However, it could be that she is telling the truth. It could be that she expected to convince me not to go, or it could
be that she partly really wants me to go (which would explain why she included me in the e-mail about it in the first place. If she had wished, she
could have just e-mailed me that she wanted to get in touch with Tim, and they could have kept the whole matter from me).
After my ex-wife told me she didn't think it appropriate that I go, I explained that I simply thought I should be there out of love for Zach and his mother. The next morning, my e-mail had a message from my ex-wife's husband, telling me in headline letters to go f--- myself.
But it's not his business, or hers to be frank. It is about your love for your adopted daughter and her child.
Thank you, Mary. Your thinking seems right to me, and I thank you for your guidance and support. (And for others who have thought similarly.)
I am tender-hearted, and am not happy at the prospect that I may get more verbal grief when I'm there. But, I think it's the right thing to do.
I'll also want to follow the proverb, "A soft answer turns away wrath."
I also invite prayers that the Lord will bless me in my visit, and use it for love and healing in my family.
My younger daughter (technically, step-daughter) has just spoken to me on the phone.
She said in a calm, caring voice that she has spoken with older daughter's husband, who has also indicated he would prefer that I not come, because older daughter is frantic (which I understand to mean afraid, upset, and fraught with anxiety), and does not want to be self-conscious about it or concerned about interacting with anyone else.
Zach, on the other hand, is calm and brave. He takes it seriously, but is not distressingly-afraid.
Younger daughter won't be at the hospital; she will be looking after older daughter's children at the house.
Other close relatives are being excluded, even local ones.
I told younger daughter I would hate to be at home if the operation should go badly. She said the doctors are confident, that it is fairly routine. (I take this to mean they are confident he will survive the operation. I don't thiink that is the same as confidence that they will get all of the tumor, and nothing else, perfectly.)
Younger daughter gave me her cell phone number, so I can keep in touch while she's there.
She also mentioned that older daughter now lives in another city, further north. That being the case, it is unlikely Zach would have been in one of the three hospitals in the city where I expected to find him, so I don't really have the choice of driving up on my own.
So, I will be at home as I pray, not present at the hospital. I was persuaded by younger daughter, but the unknown location nearly takes it out of my hands, anyway. (I could telephone each hospital in the state until I found the right one, I guess--but I won't.)
At least they all now know that you made efforts to actually be there and not "just" pray for them.
Thank you, Mary. I had not reflected on that.
I think you've done the right thing, scholar. At least they know you are interested, that you care, and that you were willing to make the journey if it had been in everyone's best interests.
Thank you, Janet.
Oh, I just realized--I don't have an address to send a card.
Well, younger daughter probably doesn't have the address of the hospital memorized, anyway (though I could have looked it up on the net, if she'd given me name and city).
Hopefully, I'll get it when I get news about the operation.
Thank you, my friends, for being so generous in responding.
*So sorry, I missed this thread completely. *
Aw Scholar, I'm so sorry you can't be there for your grandson as well as dealing with unreasonable family members. I pray Zach's surgery and recovery go well. Perhaps you get find which hospital he's in for now, and then visit him while he's recovering.
From the responses from the family members to which you have spoken, I would now consider that I had made the effort and not attempt to visit at this stage as all it could do is to exacerbate a delicate "truce". By all means, send a card c/- the younger daughter, as she has shown her trust in you be giving you her mobile number, she should be trusted to do the right thing as far as the card goes. In time, Zak will actually be in a position to receive visitors and, then, may be willing to see you. Take it slowly.
Haven't you heard about the job yet?
The operation should be starting about now, or may perhaps have been underway for a few minutes.
Anyone who cares to pray during the crucial time, this is it.
Scholar we are thinking of you, and have said a litle prayer for Zach
Regards the Bear
I'm told the operation did not take as long as the medical people had said it was likely to take, and that it went well. Zach is in recovery now.
Because of the influence of the anesthetic, Zach may not be as clear in his thinking for a while, and they won't be able to evaluate subtle aspects
of brain function until later.
The doctor told a few family members, and one of them told Tim, who told me, so I do not have any nuances of the original account. What I've been told is positive. Hallelujah! [badimg]http://www.karlsforums.com/xmas/dancingsantas.gif[/bad img][bad img]http://www.karlsforums.com/xmas/dancingsantas.gif[/bad img][badimg]http://www.karlsforums.com/xmas/dancingsantas.gif[/bad img]
It's all good news Scholar,
I hope Zach recovers quickly and I bet he won't want to miss Christmas
I'm glad Zach's operation has gone well.
As to the job, I've no idea how long these things take in the US nowadays. When I was interviewed for jobs in the 80s it seemed fairly quick as far as I can remember.
I just phoned the business, to ask if there was any news. I got to speak to the man who hires, and he told me he has not gotten approval from the
company's Human Resources, which does the background checks. He said he had thought he would hear by now, so he is going to "put a bug in their
ear." Since he, himself, had thought to have heard by now, he seemed in no way bothered that I phoned him. He said he will call me (which sounds as
if he expects no trouble; normally, they only call to hire, not to pass one over), and he thought it might be next week.
I have no doubt he wants to move things along, because he is getting along with the position unfilled for the present.
This is a big thread drift from Zach, but it came up in the natural course of conversation. As Dot says, that's the way the forums go.
So pleased to hear about Zach!
I missed this thread as I have not been on for any extended period of time, other things have kept me busy. Sorry to hear of your grandson's problem
but happier to see that it has been resolved and all is going well.
I can only imagine how you feel as my grandson is also named Zach and he is 9 and I know how I would feel were I in your position. Best wishes for his continued recovery.
If he doesn't get an infection, I think he'll be home in advance of Christmas.
He might have a load of schoolwork to complete while the other kids are all on Christmas vacation.
I have thought that, if he is impaired in memory or any function, it will be a rough time for him as he works to catch up. If we lived in the same town, I would help him learn.
[bad img]http://img491.imageshack.us/img491/2798/shades7zn.gif[/bad img] I think he'll do well. After all, he has a lot of people praying for him.
Have you found which hospital he's in yet? Even if you can't get there, maybe you can ring him before he's released. [badimg]http://img299.imageshack.us/img299/1462/dgsmile0so.gif[/bad img]
Send a card, via Tim if you have to. Remember "A gentle answer turneth away wrath" in this situation, you want the best for Zac and do not need to
hear of any stress on his part because of the actions of other family members, IYKWIM.
As for the job front, it does sound encouraging, and absolutely the right thing to ring and ask. It shows that you are keen to get to work and that you are interested enough to follow up. Had they said "Ring back in a month" and you'd rung back in a week, it might have worked against you, but, in this case, I think your timing was perfect! I'm still praying!
Good news! All best wishes for a continued improvement and recovery for Zach.
Thank you, Swish.
And Leigh, thank you for your prayers with regard to the job.
*Huzzah* and Much Merriment!
I am so happy to hear this news
I also agree with the comments made regarding your efforts. Your family are now aware of your efforts to visit, and no matter what they think, the fact is that you didn't ignore young Zach.
Zach is now home from the hospital, but will have to go back to get his stitches taken out later. He seems fine, except for some memory loss which I
was told was minor. He couldn't remember the password for his cell phone, for example. (I would find this worrisome, as he must have used his
password any number of times. I wonder what else is missing from memory inventory? And I don't know, logically, how he could know what is
On the whole, good news. I don't know about his school schedule. His mother will stand up for him as fiercely as necessary. She does not give up so easily as I sometimes do. She inherited stubbornness from her mother and tenacity from me. (Which is a good trick, since I was not her first father.)
Good news indeed, best wishes for a speedy recovery.
Regards the Bear
Just an encouragement for Zach, Scholar, I, too, have memory issues as a result of brain trauma. I had forgotten significant events from history leading up to my injury, some, with prompting, I have managed to recall, others, despite being assured that these events did happen, I cannot still recall some 6 years later! Some of those events, I have partial recollection of, but that is all. He may remember his passwords yet, it is only a short term, and there is still much to learn about acquired brain injury. I'm sure that, were I to repeat some of the tests that I did less well in just after my accident, that the results would be improved. There is still much to learn about the brain and its methods of adapting. I have 21% permanent brain damage. A person who only knew me casually, like on here, may not even notice it. Those close to me, however, can see it. I was blessed in that, many of the areas of damage where not widely used by me!
Glad he's doing well