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LSemmens - 16-1-2014 at 03:06

A hooded robber burst into a bank and, at gunpoint, forced the tellers to load their cash into
a plain brown bag.

As the robber approached the door, one brave customer grabbed the hood and pulled it off, revealing the robber's face.
Without a moment's hesitation, the robber shot the customer.

He then looked around the bank and noticed one of the tellers looking straight at him. The robber instantly shot & killed her also.

Everyone in the bank, by now horrified, stared down at the floor in silence.

The robber yelled, "Well, did anyone else see my face?"

There was a long moment of dead silence in which everyone was terrified to speak.

Then, one old Australian named Bernie cautiously raised his hand and said, "My wife got a pretty good look at you !!!!."


delanti - 16-1-2014 at 03:52

DIVORCE SETTLEMENT

On the first day, he sadly packed his belongings into boxes, crates and suitcases.
On the second day, he had the movers come and collect his things.

On the third day, he sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining-room table, by candle-light; he put on some soft background music, and feasted on a pound of shrimp, a jar of caviar, and a bottle of spring-water.

When he'd finished, he went into each and every room and deposited a few half-eaten shrimps dipped in caviar into the hollow center of the curtain rods.

He then cleaned up the kitchen and left.

On the fourth day, the wife came back with her new boyfriend, and at first all was bliss.

Then, slowly, the house began to smell.

They tried everything; cleaning, mopping, and airing-out the place.

Vents were checked for dead rodents, and carpets were steam cleaned.

Air fresheners were hung everywhere. Exterminators were brought in to set off gas canisters, during which time the two had to move out for a few days, and in the end they even paid to replace the expensive wool carpeting. Nothing worked! People stopped coming over to visit.

Repairmen refused to work in the house. The maid quit.

Finally, they couldn't take the stench any longer, and decided
they had to move, but a month later - even though they'd cut
their price in half - they couldn't find a buyer for such a stinky house.

Word got out, and eventually even the local realtors refused to return their calls.

Finally, unable to wait any longer for a purchaser, they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to purchase a new place.

Then the ex called the woman and asked how things were going. She told him the saga of the rotting house. He listened politely and said that he missed his old home terribly and would be willing to reduce his divorce settlement in exchange for having the house.

Knowing he could have no idea how bad the smell really was, she agreed on a price that was only 1/10 nth of what the house had been worth .... but only if he would sign the papers that very day.

He agreed, and within two hours her lawyers delivered the completed paperwork.

A week later the woman and her boyfriend stood smiling as they watched the moving company pack everything to take to their new home ...


and just to spite the ex-husband, they even took the curtain rods !!!


I LOVE A HAPPY ENDING, DON'T YOU...? :D


the bear - 16-1-2014 at 04:43

Now I like that :)

What does a whirlwind and a wife have in common,,,,,,,,,,,





They both get the house


Regards the Bear waveysmiley


LSemmens - 17-1-2014 at 02:46

A woman is standing nude looking in the bedroom mirror. She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, "I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment."

The husband replies, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect.

He never heard the shot....


waffler - 19-1-2014 at 01:21

When we divorced we shared the house 50 / 50. She got the inside...I got the outside !

Every time I find Mr Right my husband scares him away

Marriage is a three ring circus. An engagement ring, a wedding ring, and suffer-ring

Adam and Eve had an ideal marriage. He didn't have to hear about all the men she could have married, and she didn't have to hear about the way his mother cooked


Katzy - 19-1-2014 at 15:30

There's a foodstuff that guaranteed to reduce a woman's sex-drive, by 99%.

Wedding cake.


marymary100 - 20-1-2014 at 07:12

World's shortest fairy tale


LSemmens - 20-1-2014 at 12:36

A man from Texas , driving a Volkswagen Beetle, pulls
up next to a guy in a Rolls Royce at a stop sign.
Their windows are open and he yells at the guy in the
Rolls, "Hey, you got a telephone in that Rolls?"

The guy in the Rolls says, "Yes, of course I do.."

"I got one too... see?" the Texan says.

"Uh, huh, yes, that's very nice."

"You got a fax machine?" asks the Texan.

"Why, actually, yes, I do."

"I do too! See? It's right here!" brags the Texan.

The light is just about to turn green and the guy in
the Volkswagen says, "So, do you have a double bed in
back there?"

The guy in the Rolls replies, "NO! Do you?"

"Yep, got my double bed right in back here," the Texan

replies.

The light turns and the man in the Volkswagen takes
off.

Well, the guy in the Rolls is not about to be
one-upped, so he immediately goes to a customizing
shop and orders them to put a double bed in back of
his car.

About two weeks later, the job is finally done. He
picks up his car and drives all over town looking for

the Volkswagen beetle with the Texas plates. Finally,

he finds it parked alongside the road, so he pulls his

Rolls up next to it.

The windows on the Volkswagen are all fogged up and
he feels somewhat awkward about it, but he gets out of

his newly modified Rolls and taps on the foggy window
of the Volkswagen.

The man in the Volkswagen finally opens the window a
crack and peeks out.

The guy with the Rolls says, "Hey, remember me?"

"Yeah, yeah, I remember you," replies the Texan,
"What's up?"

"Check this out...I got a double bed installed in my
Rolls."

"The Texan exclaims, "YOU GOT ME OUT OF THE SHOWER
TO TELL ME THAT???


LSemmens - 2-2-2014 at 04:04

WHERE DO RED-HEADED BABIES COME FROM?


After their baby was born, the panicked father went to see the Obstetrician. 'Doctor,' the man said, 'I don't mind telling you, but I'm a little upset because my daughter has red hair. She can't possibly be mine!!'


'Nonsense,' the doctor said...'Even though you and your wife both have black hair, one of your ancestors may have contributed red hair to the gene pool.'

'It isn't possible,' the man insisted.'This can't be,
our families on both sides had jet-black hair for generations.'

"Well, said the doctor,let me ask you this:


How often do you have sex???"
The man seemed a bit ashamed..'I've been working very hard for the past year. We only made love once or twice every few months.'

'Well, there you have it!' The doctor said confidently....





"It's Rust."


waffler - 2-2-2014 at 10:01

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.


LSemmens - 14-2-2014 at 13:07

An 18-year-old suicide bomber blew himself up and appeared before Allah.

He said, "Oh, Allah, I did your bidding, but I have a request.

Since I'm only 18 and spent all my time in terrorist training school, I have never been with a woman. So, instead of 72 virgins, who also won't know what to do sexually, can I have 72 whores?"

Allah regarded him for a moment, then replied, "Actually, the 72 virgins are here in heaven because assholes like you murdered them before they could experience the pleasure of sex.
So you're here to service them. Since they're virgins, they're quite sexually ravenous; and, frankly, you'll be on constant, exhausting duty."

The bomber responded, "Well, I guess I can live with that. How hard can it be to keep 72 women satisfied for all eternity?"

And Allah replied, "Who said they were women?"


Katzy - 15-2-2014 at 11:16

[bad img]http://www.katzy.dsl.pipex.com/Smileys/Lovely-Jubbly.gif[/bad img]


LSemmens - 17-2-2014 at 09:49

Once upon a time, a powerful Emperor of the Rising Sun
advertised for a new Chief Samurai. After a year, only three
applied for the job: a Japanese, a Chinese, and a Jewish Samurai.

"Demonstrate your skills!" commanded the Emperor.
The Japanese Samurai stepped forward, opened a tiny box, and
released a fly.
He drew his samurai sword and *Swish!* the fly fell to the floor,
neatly divided in two!
"What a feat!" said he Emperor. "Number Two Samurai, show me what
you do."

The Chinese Samurai smiled confidently, stepped forward and opened
a tiny box, releasing a fly. He drew his samurai sword and * Swish!*
*Swish! the fly fell to the floor neatly quartered.

"That is skill!" nodded the Emperor.

'How are you going to top that, Number three Samurai?"

The Jewish Samurai, Obi-wan Cohen, stepped forward, opened a tiny box
releasing one fly, drew his samurai sword and *Swoooooosh! HE flourished
his sword so mightily that a gust of wind blew through the room.
But the fly was still buzzing around!




In disappointment, the Emperor said, "What kind of skill is that?
The fly isn't even dead."

"Dead?" replied the Jewish Samurai. "Dead is easy... but circumcised?"


delanti - 22-2-2014 at 00:57

Know what I mean? lips_sealed


waffler - 22-2-2014 at 23:20

Boy asks his dad "Why do they say gardeners have green fingers when their fingers aren’t green?"
Dad replies "It’s just a saying, son; it’s like when somebody is caught stealing something they say they have been caught 'red handed' even though their hands are actually black."


scholar - 23-2-2014 at 03:29

Quote:
Originally posted by waffler
Boy asks his dad "Why do they say gardeners have green fingers when their fingers aren’t green?"
Dad replies "It’s just a saying, son; it’s like when somebody is caught stealing something they say they have been caught 'red handed' even though their hands are actually black."

Ohhhh, you are so in trouble with Ruby!!!!!!!!lips_sealed


delanti - 28-2-2014 at 20:16

From an Auto Glass Forum:

Frozen windows on a cold winter morning

Wife texts husband on a cold winter's morning: "Windows frozen; won't open."

Husband texts back: "Gently pour some lukewarm water over it."



Wife texts back 5 minutes later:
"Computer really screwed-up now."waveysmiley


waffler - 1-3-2014 at 00:50

Quote:
Originally posted by delanti
From an Auto Glass Forum:

Frozen windows on a cold winter morning

Wife texts husband on a cold winter's morning: "Windows frozen; won't open."

Husband texts back: "Gently pour some lukewarm water over it."



Wife texts back 5 minutes later:
"Computer really screwed-up now."waveysmiley



:D


waffler - 1-3-2014 at 01:18

Clearly Cheating


A man cheats on his girlfriend named Lorraine with a girl named Clearly.

Suddenly, Lorraine died.

At the funeral, the man stands up and sings, "I can see Clearly now, Lorraine is gone."


LSemmens - 1-3-2014 at 13:15

There is a factory in Northern Minnesota that makes the Tickle Me Elmo
toys. The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arm. Here is a true
story:

Lena was hired at the factory and she reported for her 1st day promptly at 8:00 a.m.
The following day, at 8:45, there was a knock at the personnel
manager's door. The foreman from the assembly line threw open the door
and began to rant about his new employee, Lena. He complained that she
was incredibly slow and that the entire production line was behind
schedule and backing up!

The personnel manager decided he should see this for himself, so the two
men marched down to the factory floor. When they got there, the line
was so backed up, there were Tickle Me Elmos all over the factory floor
and they were really beginning to pile up at the end of the line stood
Lena,
surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me Elmos.

She had a roll of plush red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles. The
two men watched in amazement as she cut a little piece of fabric,
wrapped it around two marbles and began carefully to sew the little
package between Elmo's legs.

The personnel manager stared for a few seconds, saw what was happening,
and burst into laughter. After several minutes of hysterics, he pulled
himself together and approached Lena. "I'm sorry," he said to her.
Barely able to keep a straight face, he said, "I think you misunderstood
the instructions given you yesterday. Your job is to give each Elmo two
test tickles ..."


LSemmens - 6-3-2014 at 01:31

An attorney arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get a stay of execution.
His last minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed and he was feeling worn out and depressed.
As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started on him about, “What time of night to be getting home is this? Where have you been? Dinner is cold and I’m not reheating it”.
And on and on and on.
Too shattered to play his role in this familiar ritual, he poured himself a shot of whiskey and headed off for a long soak in the bathtub, pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks as he dragged himself up the stairs.
While he was in the bath, the phone rang. The wife answered and was told that her husband’s client, James Wright, had been granted a stay of execution after all, and would not be hanged tonight.
Finally realizing what a horrible day he must have had, she decided to go upstairs and give him the good news.
As she opened the door, she was greeted by the sight of her husband, bent over naked, drying his legs and feet.

“They’re not hanging Wright tonight”, she said.

He whirled around and screamed, “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD WOMAN, DON’T YOU EVER STOP?”


waffler - 8-3-2014 at 01:17

A Grizzly Conversion

A priest, a minister, and a rabbi want to see who’s best at his job. So they each go into the woods, find a bear, and attempt to convert it. Later they get together. The priest begins: “When I found the bear, I read to him from the Catechism and sprinkled him with holy water. Next week is his First Communion.” “I found a bear by the stream,” says the minister, “and preached God’s holy word. The bear was so mesmerized that he let me baptize him.” They both look down at the rabbi, who is lying on a gurney in a body cast. “Looking back,” he says, “maybe I shouldn’t have started with the circumcision.”


LSemmens - 10-3-2014 at 09:21

FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER.
8 years old,
Hateful little b*****d.
Bites!



FREE PUPPIES.
Mother is a Kennel Club registered German Shepherd.
Father is a Super Dog, able to leap tall fences in a single bound.

COWS, CALVES: NEVER BRED.
Also 1 gay bull for sale.

JOINING NUDIST COLONY!
Must sell washer and dryer Ł100.

WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE .
Worn once by mistake.
Call Stephanie.

**** And the WINNER is... ****

FOR SALE BY OWNER.
Complete set of Encyclopaedia Britannica, 45 volumes.
Excellent condition, Ł200 or best offer. No longer needed, got married, wife knows everything.


Statement of the Century
Thought from the Greatest Living Scottish Thinker--Billy Connolly. "If women are so bloody perfect at multitasking, How come they can't have a headache and sex at the same time?"



>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
Children Are Quick
____________________________________

TEACHER: Why are you late?
STUDENT: Class started before I got here.
____________________________________
TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.
__________________________________________
TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile?'
GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L'
TEACHER: No, that's wrong
GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.
(I Love this child)
____________________________________________
TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
DONALD: H I J K L M N O.
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O.
__________________________________
TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.
WINNIE: Me!
__________________________________________
TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?
GLEN: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.
_______________________________________
TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with ' I. '
MILLIE: I is..
TEACHER: No, Millie..... Always say, 'I am.'
MILLIE: All right... 'I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.'
________________________________
TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father’s cherry tree, but also admitted it.
Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him?
LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand.....
______________________________________
TEACHER: Now, Simon , tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my Mum is a good cook.
______________________________
TEACHER: Clyde , your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your brother's..
Did you copy his?
CLYDE : No, sir. It's the same dog.

(I want to adopt this kid!!!)
___________________________________
TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
HAROLD: A teacher
__________________________________
PASS IT AROUND AND MAKE SOMEONE LAUGH
Due to current economic conditions the light at the end of the tunnel is being operated on a dimmer switch


John_Little - 10-3-2014 at 09:45

Nice ones.:D


waffler - 11-3-2014 at 01:41

A blonde was complaining to her friend about constantly being called a dumb blonde. Her friend tells her "go do something to prove them wrong! Why don't you learn all the state capitals or something?" The blonde thinks this is a great idea, and locks herself up for two weeks studying.

The next party she goes to, some guy is making dumb blonde comments to her. She gets all indignant and claims, "I'm NOT a dumb blonde. In fact, I can name ALL the state capitals!"

The guy doesn't believe her, so she dares him to test her. He says "Okay, what's the Capital of Montana?"

The blonde tosses her hair in triumph and says, "That's easy! It's M!"


waffler - 14-3-2014 at 20:23

Inflatable dolls


Guy goes in an adult store and asks for an inflatable doll.
Guy behind the counter says, 'Male or female?'
Customer says, 'Female.'
Counter guy asks, 'Black or white?
Customer says, 'White.'
Counter guy asks, 'Christian or Muslim?'
Customer says, 'What the hell does religion have to do with it?'
Counter guy says, 'The Muslim one blows itself up.' :D


LSemmens - 16-3-2014 at 09:26

Einstein, Newton and Pascal are playing hide and seek.
It's Einsteins turn so he covers his eyes and starts counting to ten.
Pascal runs off and hides.
Newton draws a one metre square on the ground in front of Einstein and stands in the middle of it.
On reaching ten, Einstein uncovers his eyes, sees Newton immediately and exclaims "Newton! I found you! You're it!"
Newton smiles and says "You didn't find me, you found a Newton over a square metre.
You found Pascal!"


waffler - 17-3-2014 at 00:26


scholar - 17-3-2014 at 00:36

Quote:
Originally posted by waffler

Your first try seems to have failed. Click on the edit button and try again, if you can figure out the problem.waveysmiley


waffler - 17-3-2014 at 01:03

Quote:
Originally posted by scholar
Quote:
Originally posted by waffler

Your first try seems to have failed. Click on the edit button and try again, if you can figure out the problem.waveysmiley


I saved it in the wrong format :D


Quaver - 17-3-2014 at 07:55

Quote:
Originally posted by LSemmens

TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
HAROLD: A teacher

roffle


LSemmens - 27-3-2014 at 07:02

A couple was invited to a swanky costume party.

Unfortunately, the wife came down with a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone.

He being a devoted husband protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed and there was no need for his good time being spoiled by not going.

So he took his costume and away he went..

The wife, after sleeping soundly for about an hour, awakened without pain and, as it was still early enough, decided to go to the party.

Since her husband did not know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him.

She joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice woman he could, and copping a little touch here and a little kiss there.

His wife sidled up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his current partner high and dry and devoted his time to the new babe that had just arrived. She let him go as far as he wished...

Naturally, (since he was her husband.)

Finally, he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed. So off they went to one of the cars and had a quickie.

Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away, went home, put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make for his behavior.


She was sitting up reading when he came in, and she asked what kind of a time he had.
He said: "Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there."

- "Did you dance much ?"
- "You know, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Browning and some other guys, so we went into the den and played poker all evening.
- But you're not going to believe what happened to the guy I loaned my costume to.”


LSemmens - 7-4-2014 at 07:08

Man gives up sex for Golf!






A golfer is in a competitive match with a friend, who is ahead by a couple of strokes.
"Boy, I'd give anything to sink this putt," the golfer mumbles to himself.

Just then, a stranger walks up beside him and whispers, "Would you be willing to give up one-fourth of your sex life?"

Thinking the man is crazy and his answer will be meaningless, the golfer also feels that maybe this is a good omen, so he says, "Sure," and sinks the putt.

Two holes later, he mumbles to himself again, "Gee, I sure would like to get a birdie on this one."

The same stranger is at his side again and whispers, "Would it be worth giving up another fourth of your sex life?"

Shrugging, the golfer replies, "Okay." And he makes his birdie.

On the final hole, the golfer needs an eagle to win.

Without waiting for him to say anything, the stranger quickly moves to his side and says, "Would winning this match be worth giving up the rest of your sex life?"

"Definitely," the golfer replies, and he makes the eagle.

As the golfer is walking to the club house, the stranger walks alongside him and says, "I haven't really been fair with you because you don't know who I am. I am Satan, and from this day forward you will have no sex life."

"Nice to meet you, "the golfer replies, "I'm Father O'Malley."


marymary100 - 7-4-2014 at 08:13

That's one parish safe then.


Quaver - 7-4-2014 at 10:55

Quote:
Originally posted by LSemmens
- But you're not going to believe what happened to the guy I loaned my costume to.”

roffle
But realistically, I'm sure she'll notice the difference immediately:D


LSemmens - 13-5-2014 at 04:06

CNN reported today that Walt Disney's new film called 'Jet Black', the African-American version of "Snow White"ť has been cancelled.

The 7 dwarfs: Dealer, Stealer, Mugger, Forger, Drive By, Pimpie, and Homeboy have refused to sing 'Hi Ho' because they say it offends black prostitutes.

They also say they have no intention of singing, 'It's off to work we go'.


LSemmens - 11-6-2014 at 15:06

For the Fans of "Mr Bean" and the drummers amongst you.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=A_kloG2Z7tU


scholar - 12-6-2014 at 01:29

Quote:
Originally posted by LSemmens
CNN reported today that Walt Disney's new film called 'Jet Black', the African-American version of "Snow White"ť has been cancelled.

The 7 dwarfs: Dealer, Stealer, Mugger, Forger, Drive By, Pimpie, and Homeboy have refused to sing 'Hi Ho' because they say it offends black prostitutes.

They also say they have no intention of singing, 'It's off to work we go'.

The Afro-American version has been done. It is a cartoon, entitled "Coal Black," dating back to the early years of animated cartoons.

I don't think it was a Disney production, though.


marymary100 - 12-6-2014 at 06:05

I'd be interested in Ruby's take on that joke...


marymary100 - 12-6-2014 at 19:21

How can you tell the difference between a chemist and a plumber? Ask them to pronounce "unionized".




What's the difference between an etymologist and an entomologist?
An etymologist knows the difference.



Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and, with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.


marymary100 - 12-6-2014 at 22:00

.


scholar - 13-6-2014 at 01:37

Quote:
Originally posted by marymary100
I'd be interested in Ruby's take on that joke...

She was going to respond, but has forgotten her password.

I helped her get a reset in her e-mail, but I'm past my bed time, and must get up at 4 a.m. to go to work by 5 a.m. tomorrow, so I'll help type her answer for her tomorrow. bed_time


waffler - 15-6-2014 at 01:08

Bob: "Will you remember me tomorrow?"

Bill: "Yes"

Bob "Will you remember me next week?"

Bill "Yes"

Bob: "Will you remember me next month??"

Bill: "Yes"

Bob: "Will you remember me next year?"

Bill: "Yeah"

Bob: "Knock Knock"

Bill: "Who's There?"

Bob: "See, you forgot me already!"


LSemmens - 15-6-2014 at 01:27

groan!


waffler - 15-6-2014 at 22:45

Quote:
Originally posted by LSemmens
groan!


It wasn't that bad :D


ScholarsQueen - 16-6-2014 at 01:35

Quote:
Originally posted by LSemmens
CNN reported today that Walt Disney's new film called 'Jet Black', the African-American version of "Snow White"ť has been cancelled.

The 7 dwarfs: Dealer, Stealer, Mugger, Forger, Drive By, Pimpie, and Homeboy have refused to sing 'Hi Ho' because they say it offends black prostitutes.

They also say they have no intention of singing, 'It's off to work we go'.

I think it's funny:D

Dealer, Stealer, Mugger, Forger, Drive By, Pimpie, and Homeboy--I know all them.


LSemmens - 16-6-2014 at 22:14

Thank you, Ruby, I knew you'd enjoy it. Too often we get caught up in political correctness that we forget to laugh at ourselves. Had I made an Irish joke, English or Ozzie joke, no one would have batted an eyelid. I pick on all races, colours and creeds without favour. Heck, I've even been know to pick on Manchester United every now and then. ;) (Scholar may need to explain that one to you)


LSemmens - 25-6-2014 at 14:00

Murphy drops some buttered toast on the kitchen floor and it lands butter-side-up.

He looks down in astonishment, for he knows that it's a law of nature of the universe that buttered toast always falls butter-down.

So he rushes round to the presbytery to fetch Father Flanagan.

He tells the priest that a miracle has occurred in his kitchen.

But he won't say what it is, so he asks Fr. Flanagan to come and see it with his own eyes.

He leads Fr.Flanagan into the kitchen and asks him what he sees on the floor.

"Well," says the priest, "it's pretty obvious. Someone has dropped some buttered toast on the floor and then, for some reason, they flipped it over so that the butter was on top."

"No, Father, I dropped it and it landed like that!" exclaimed Murphy

"Oh my Lord," says Fr. Flanagan, "dropped toast never falls with the butter side up. It's a mir….

Wait... it's not for me to say it's a miracle. I'll have to report this matter to the Bishop and he'll have to deal with it. He'll send some people round; to interview you, take photos, etc."

A thorough investigation is conducted, not only by the archdiocese but by scientists sent over from the Curia in Rome. No expense is spared. There is great excitement in the town as everyone knows that a miracle will bring in much need tourism revenue.

Then, after 8 long weeks and with great fanfare, the Bishop announces the final ruling.

"It is certain that some kind of an extraordinary event took place in Murphy's kitchen, quite outside the natural laws of the universe. Yet the Holy See must be very cautious before ruling a miracle. All other explanations must be ruled out.

Unfortunately, in this case, it has been declared 'No Miracle' because they think that Murphy may have buttered the toast on the wrong side!"


LSemmens - 2-7-2014 at 07:33

A woman goes to the Doctor in Glasgow, worried about her husband's temper and threatening manner.

The Doc asks: "What's the problem, Mary?


The woman says: "Weeell Doctor Cameron, I dinae know what to do. Every time ma hubbie comes
home drunk, he threatens to slap me aroon'."

The Doctor says: "Aye, well... I have a real good cure for that.
When your husband arrives home intoxicated, take a wee glass of water and start swishing it in your mouth.
Just swish and swish but don't swallow it until he goes to bed and is sound asleep."

Two weeks later she comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn.

She says: "Doctor that was brilliant! Evrae time ma hubbie came home drunk, I swished with water.
I swished an' swished, and he didnae touch me even once!

Tell me Doc...wha's the secret? How's the water do that?"

The Doctor says: "Mary hen, it's really nae big secret.
The water does bugger all - it's keeping your mouth shut that does the trick…"


LSemmens - 3-7-2014 at 08:35

Psychiatrists Vs Bartender
EVER SINCE I WAS A CHILD,I'VE ALWAYS HAD A FEAR OF SOMEONE UNDER MY BED AT NIGHT.

SO I WENT TO A SHRINK AND TOLD HIM: "I've got problems. Every time I go to bed I think there's somebody
under It. I'm scared. I think I'm going crazy. "

"Just put yourself in my hands for one year," said the shrink. "Come talk to me three times a week and we should be able to get rid of
those fears."

"How much do you charge?"

"Eighty dollars per visit,"replied the doctor.

"I'll sleep on it," I said. Six months later the doctor met me on the street.

"Why didn't you come to see me about those fears you were having?" He asked.

"Well, Eighty bucks a visit, three times a week for a year, is $12,480.00. A bartender cured me for $10.00. I was so happy to have
saved all that money that I went and bought me a new pickup truck."

"Is that so?" With a bit of an attitude the psychiatrist said, "and how, may I ask, did a Bartender cure you?"

"He told me to cut the legs off the bed. Ain't nobody under there now."

FORGET THE SHRINKS- HAVE A DRINK & TALK TO A BARTENDER!

*IT'S ALWAYS BETTER TO GET A SECOND OPINION*


LSemmens - 6-7-2014 at 12:30

TWENTY DOLLARS


On their wedding night,
The young bride
Approached her new husband
And asked
For $20.00 for their first lovemaking Encounter.
In his highly aroused state, Her husband readily agreed.

This scenario was repeated Each time they made Love,
For more than 40 years, With him thinking that it was a Cute way
For her to afford new clothes And other incidentals that She needed.

Arriving home around noon one day,
She was Surprised to find her husband in a very drunken state.
During the next few minutes, He explained that
His employer was going through a process
Of corporate Downsizing, And he had been let go.


It was unlikely that, at the age of 59, He'd be able to find Another position
That paid anywhere near what He'd been earning,
And therefore, they were financially ruined.


Calmly, his wife handed him a bank book
Which Showed more than forty years
Of steady deposits and interest totaling
Nearly $1 million.
Then she showed him certificates of deposits issued
By the bank which were worth over $2 million,
And informed him that they
Were one of the largest depositors in the bank.


She explained that for more than
Three decades she had 'charged' him for sex,
These holdings had multiplied
And these were the Results
Of her savings and investments.





Faced with evidence of cash and investments
Worth over $3 million,


Her husband was so astounded
He could Barely speak,
But finally he found his voice and blurted out,

'If I'd had any idea what you were doing,
I would have given you all my business!'



That's when she shot him.

You know, sometimes,
Men just don't know when
To keep their mouths shut


marymary100 - 6-7-2014 at 12:39

:D


Quaver - 6-7-2014 at 14:40

laughy_smilie


marymary100 - 7-7-2014 at 01:26

.


Quaver - 7-7-2014 at 08:37

roffle


LSemmens - 9-7-2014 at 15:04

skidaddle
Have you ever been guilty of looking at others
your own age and thinking, surely i can't look that old?
Well......you'll love this one!

My name is alice smith and i was sitting in the waiting room for my first appointment with a new dentist. I noticed his dental diploma,which bore his full name.

Suddenly, i remembered a tall, handsome, dark haired boy with the same name had been in my secondary school class some 40-odd years ago.

Could he be the same guy that i had a secret crush on, way back then?

Upon seeing him, however, i quickly discarded any such thought.

This balding, grey haired man with the deeply lined face was far too old to have been my classmate. After he examined my teeth, i asked him if he had attended morgan park secondary school .

'yes, yes i did. I'm a morganner! 'he beamed with pride.

'when did you leave to go to college?' i asked

he answered, in 1965. Why do you ask?

'you were in my class!' i exclaimed.

He looked at me closely.

Then the ugly,

old,

bald,

wrinkled,

fat arsed,

grey haired,

decrepit,

b*****d asked..

'what subject did you teach


LSemmens - 26-7-2014 at 09:57

How To Maintain A Healthy Level Of Insanity in retirement.


1. At Lunch Time, Sit In Your Parked Car With Sunglasses on and point a Hair Dryer At Passing Cars...watch 'em Slow Down!


2. On all your cheque stubs, write 'For Marijuana'!


3. Skip down the street Rather Than Walk and see how many looks you get.


4. Order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat, with a serious face.


5. Sing Along At The Opera.


6. When The Money Comes Out of The ATM, Scream 'I Won! I Won!'


7. When Leaving the Zoo, start Running towards the Car Park, Yelling 'Run For Your Lives! They're Loose!'


8. Tell Your Children over dinner: 'Due to the economy,we are going to have to let one of you go...


9. PICK UP A BOX OF CONDOMS AT THE PHARMACY, GO TO THE COUNTER AND ASK WHERE THE FITTING ROOM IS.


And The Final Way To Keep A Healthy Level Of Insanity: my favourite.


10. Go to a large Department store’s fitting room, drop your drawers to your ankles and yell out: “THERE IS NO PAPER IN HERE”!


LSemmens - 29-7-2014 at 07:41

An Irishman walks into a bar in London one lunchtime and orders three pints of Guinness. He takes them off to a table and starts drinking them, a sip at a time from each in sequence. It's unusual but the barman's busy and doesn't ask. But the next day the Irishman comes back at lunch and does the same thing. And this goes on for a week before the *barman eventually asks, "So, what's with the three pints?"

The Irishman replies, "Simple. I have a brother back home in Dublin and another in New York, and we all promised we'd drink like this, as a way of staying close and keeping each other in mind, y'know." Which satisfies the barman. Anyway, the days become weeks and months, the Irishman becomes a regular, everyone knows and loves him. The ritual becomes a part of the pub's folklore.

One lunchtime, the Irishman comes in and orders two pints of Guinness.

Silence descends on the pub as the Irishman takes his pints to his table. The barman, awkward as all hell but feeling like he has to say something, comes over to the Irishman and says, "Er, listen, Paddy, I just wanted to say I - well, we - we're all so sorry for your loss, and, er, if there's anything we can, er, we can do to, y'know, help or anything..."

The Irishman looks up at the barman, his face a mask of incomprehension - until suddenly, understanding hits him and he starts laughing.

"What? You thought - aw c'mon man, it's nothing like that! I just quit drinking!"


marymary100 - 29-7-2014 at 15:37

A donkey had an IQ of 186. He had no friends at all though. Because even in the animal kingdom, nobody likes a smart-ass.


marymary100 - 29-7-2014 at 15:39

Two elderly men are talking while their wives prepare supper.
The first man says "we went to this really amazing restaurant the other day, you have to try it."
The second replies "we would love to, what is it called? "
After a long pause the first man, clearly confused, asks "what is the name of the flower. . .The one with the thorns on it? "
The second replies " a rose? "
"Yes, thank you" says the first man as he turns to the kitchen and yells "ROSE ! WHAT'S THE NAME OF THAT RESTAURANT WE WENT TO THE OTHER DAY ? "


marymary100 - 29-7-2014 at 15:42

A dad and his son talk about the son's first car. The father strikes a deal with his son, "Cut your hair, improve your grades to a B average, study up on the bible, and then I'll buy you a car." The son, seeing no other option, agrees. Two months later the dad checks in on the son to see him with long hair, reading the bible, and a positive report card. The dad says "son, I'm glad you're studying the bible and raised your grade, but why haven't you cut your hair?" The son replies "well dad, as I read through the bible, it says Moses had long hair, Abraham had long hair, and there is even evidence that Jesus had long hair." Then the dad says "yeah, but notice how they walked everywhere".


marymary100 - 8-8-2014 at 10:13

Did you hear about the guy who took Viagara for his sunburn?

Didn't cure it but kept the sheets off his body at night.


LSemmens - 15-8-2014 at 08:39

It's Obama bashing time.

When Obama died, George Washington met him at the Pearly Gates. He slapped him across the face and yelled, "How dare you try to destroy the Nation I helped conceive?"

Patrick Henry approached, punched him in the nose and shouted, "You wanted to end our liberties but you failed."

James Madison followed, kicked him in the groin and said, "This is why I allowed our government to provide for the common defence!"

Thomas Jefferson was next, beat Obama with a long cane and snarled, "It was evil men like you who inspired me to write the Declaration of Independence."

The beatings and thrashings continued as James Monroe and 66 other early Americans unleashed their anger on the radical, socialist, leader.

As Obama lay bleeding and in pain, an Angel appeared.

Obama wept and said, "This is not what you promised me."

The Angel replied, "I told you there would be 72 VIRGINIANS waiting for you in Heaven. What did you think I said?


LSemmens - 15-8-2014 at 09:29

God was missing for six days. Eventually, Michael, the archangel, found him, resting on the seventh.

He inquired, "Where have you been ?"

God smiled deeply and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds, "Look, Michael. Look what I've made."

Archangel Michael looked puzzled, and said, "What is it ?"

"It's a planet," replied God, and I've put life on it. I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a place to test 'Balance.'"


"Balance ?" inquired Michael, "I'm still confused."

God explained, pointing to different parts of Earth.
"For example, northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth, while southern Europe is going to be poor. Over here I've placed a continent of white people, and over there is a continent of blackpeople.
Balance in all things"

God continued pointing to different countries. "This one will be extremely hot, while this one will be very cold and covered in ice."

The Archangel, impressed by God's work, then pointed to a land area and said, "What's that one ?"


"That's Perth, the most glorious place on earth. There are beautiful trees and gardens, a beautiful river, and days filled with sunshine. The people from Perth are going to be handsome, modest, intelligent, and humorous, and they are going to travel the world. They will be extremely sociable, hardworking, high achieving, carriers of peace, and producers of good things."

Michael gasped in wonder and admiration, but then asked, "But what about balance, God? You said there would be 'balance.'"


God smiled, "I will create Canberra....

Wait till you see the idiots I'll put there."


marymary100 - 15-8-2014 at 16:57

:)


I'm going to start a thread about angels elsewhere.


marymary100 - 20-8-2014 at 21:22

I've decided to sell my Hoover... well, it was just collecting dust.


LSemmens - 30-8-2014 at 01:33

Attitude seems to be the "in" word lately. Applies it seems to us "Oldies".






Cowboy: "Give me 3 packets of condoms, please."
Cashier: "Do you need a paper bag with that, sir?"
Cowboy: "Nah.... She's purty good lookin'....."
When you are over sixty-five who gives a s***............

***********

I was talking to a girl in the bar last night. She said,
"If you lost a few pounds, had a shave and got your
hair cut, you'd look all right."
I said, "If I did that, I'd be talking to your friends over
there instead of you."
When you are over sixty-five who gives a s***?

***********

I was telling a girl in the pub about my ability to guess
what day a woman was born just by feeling her boobs.
"Really" she said, "Go on then...try."
After about thirty seconds of fondling she began to lose
patience and said, "Come on, what day was I born?"
I said, "Yesterday."
When you are over sixty-five who gives a s***?

***********

I got caught taking a pee in the swimming pool today.
The lifeguard shouted at me so loud, I nearly fell in.
When you are over sixty-five who gives a s***?

***********

I went to the pub last night and saw a fat chick dancing
on a table. I said, "Nice legs."
The girl giggled and said, "Do you really think so."
I said, "Definitely! Most tables would have collapsed
by now."
When you are over sixty-five who gives a s***?


marymary100 - 30-8-2014 at 10:16

I think I would remember...


[bad img]http://i.imgur.com/p34N8qo.png[/bad img]


Quaver - 30-8-2014 at 11:57

Quote:
Originally posted by marymary100
I think I would remember...

roffle

That reminds me, I should have it done soon, my dad had colon cancer... (caught early so he survived:))


LSemmens - 11-9-2014 at 00:41

Three Italian nuns die and go to heaven.
At the Pearly Gates, they are met by St. Peter. He says, 'Sisters, you all
led such exemplary lives that the Lord is granting you six months to go back to earth and be anyone you wish to be.

The first nun says, 'I want to be Sophia Loren;'

And *poof* she's gone.
The second says, 'I want to be Madonna and *poof* she's gone.

The third says, 'I want to be Sara Pipilini..'

St. Peter looks perplexed. 'Who?' he asks

'Sara Pipalini,' replies the nun.

St. Peter shakes his head and says, 'I'm sorry, but that name just doesn't ring a bell.'

The nun then takes a newspaper out of her habit and hands it to St. Peter.

St. Peter reads the paper and starts laughing. He hands it back to her and says.

'No sister, the paper says it was the ' Sahara Pipeline' that was laid by
1,400 men in 6 months.'

If you laugh, you're going straight to hell


LSemmens - 14-9-2014 at 00:32

A bit of History you may not have known


During the royal wedding, the millions around the world saw that Prince William chose to wear a uniform that included the famous British "red coat."

Many people have asked, "Why did the British wear red coats in battle?"

A long time ago, Britain and France were at war.
During one battle, the French captured a British Colonel.
They took him to their headquarters and the French General began to question him.

Finally, as an afterthought, the French General asked, "Why do you British officers all wear red coats? Don't you know the red material makes you easier targets for us to shoot at?"

In his casual, matter-of-fact, way, the officer informed the General that the reason British officers wear red coats is so that if they are wounded, the blood won't show,

…and the men they are leading won't panic.

And that’s why, from that day forward,

all French Army officers have worn brown pants ….


waffler - 14-9-2014 at 13:47

Subject: Graveside Service


Time is like a river. You cannot touch the water twice, because the flow that has passed will never pass again. Enjoy every moment of life. As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery in the Nova Scotia back country.

As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost and, being a typical man, I didn't stop for directions.

I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch. I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late.

I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play.

The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I've never played before for this homeless man.

And as I played "Amazing Grace", the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I finished, I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car. Though my head was hung low, my heart was full.

As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, "I never seen anything like that before and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years."


waffler - 14-9-2014 at 13:48

London cab driver's answer to a request from a Muslim to turn off the radio. (You just got to love the Brits.)

A devout Arab Muslim entered a black cab in London. He curtly asked the cabbie to turn off the radio because, as decreed by his religious teaching, he must not listen to music because in the time of the prophet there was no music, especially Western music which is the music of the infidel.

The cab driver politely switched off the radio, stopped the cab and opened the door.

The Arab Muslim asked him, "What are you doing?"

The cabbie answered, "In the time of the prophet there were no taxis, so go and wait for a camel.."


LSemmens - 22-10-2014 at 11:10

A man received a text message "I am so sorry Harry. I've been riddled with guilt and I have to confess. I have been helping myself to your wife,day and night when you're not around;In fact, more than you.
I do not get it at home,but that's no excuse. I can no longer live with the guilt and I hope you will accept my sincerest apology.
My promise to you is that it won't ever happen again".
Poor Harry, anguished and betrayed, went into his bedroom, grabbed his gun and, without a word, shot his wife, dead.
A few moments later, a second text came in: . Bloody auto-correct !!! It should have read "wifi", not "wife" .


LSemmens - 22-10-2014 at 11:11

Brenda was in the fertilized egg business.

She had several hundred young 'pullets' and ten roosters to fertilize the eggs.
She kept records, and any rooster not performing went into the soup pot and was replaced. This took a lot of time, so she bought some tiny bells and attached them to her roosters.
Each bell had a different tone, so she could tell from a distance, which rooster was performing. Now, she could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report by just listening to the bells.
Brenda's favorite rooster, old Butch, was a very fine specimen, but this morning she noticed old Butch's bell hadn't rung at all!
When she went to investigate, she saw the other roosters were busy chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing, but the pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover.
To Brenda's amazement, old Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring. He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one.
Brenda was so proud of old Butch, she entered him in the Brisbane City Show and he became an overnight sensation among the judges.
The result was the judges not only awarded old Butch the "No Bell Piece Prize," but they also awarded him the "Pulletsurprise" as well.
Clearly old Butch was a politician in the making.
Who else but a politician could figure out how to win two of the most coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the unsuspecting populace and screwing them when they weren't paying attention.
Vote carefully in the next election, you can't always hear the bells.


marymary100 - 22-10-2014 at 21:22

I hear boomerangs are making a comeback.


Quaver - 22-10-2014 at 22:17

:D


waffler - 23-10-2014 at 00:42

Quote:
Originally posted by LSemmens
Brenda was in the fertilized egg business.

She had several hundred young 'pullets' and ten roosters to fertilize the eggs.
She kept records, and any rooster not performing went into the soup pot and was replaced. This took a lot of time, so she bought some tiny bells and attached them to her roosters.
Each bell had a different tone, so she could tell from a distance, which rooster was performing. Now, she could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report by just listening to the bells.
Brenda's favorite rooster, old Butch, was a very fine specimen, but this morning she noticed old Butch's bell hadn't rung at all!
When she went to investigate, she saw the other roosters were busy chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing, but the pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover.
To Brenda's amazement, old Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring. He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one.
Brenda was so proud of old Butch, she entered him in the Brisbane City Show and he became an overnight sensation among the judges.
The result was the judges not only awarded old Butch the "No Bell Piece Prize," but they also awarded him the "Pulletsurprise" as well.
Clearly old Butch was a politician in the making.
Who else but a politician could figure out how to win two of the most coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the unsuspecting populace and screwing them when they weren't paying attention.
Vote carefully in the next election, you can't always hear the bells.



Funny thing happened this morning I received this joke in an email :D


victor - 24-10-2014 at 21:48

High on top of a mountain there stood an old bull and a young bull.

Both of them were leering at the young heifers down in the valley quite a distance away.

The young bull was snorting, huffing and puffing, pacing back and forth, etc.

Finally, after a while, the young bull said…

“Say, why don’t we run down this mountain and have our way with one of them?”

The old bull pondered for a moment, smiled, leaned over, and calmly said…

“Why don’t we walk down the mountain and have our way with all of them!”

The moral of this story, if there is one, is this…

While the young bull may be intelligent, he lacks the wisdom of experience.

On the other hand, the old bull has the benefit of wisdom based on experience but lacks the stamina or endurance of youth. ;)


LSemmens - 27-10-2014 at 01:30

SAFE AT HOME AT LAST.


I've torn out my alarm system & de-registered from the Neighbourhood Watch.

I've got one Pakistani flag raised in left side of my front garden, and an Afghan one on the right corner and the

black flag of ISIS in the centre.

The local police, ASIO, ASIS and the other intelligence services are all watching my house 24/7.

I've never felt safer.


LSemmens - 27-10-2014 at 01:33

Jehovas Witnesses don't celebrate Halloween.

I guess it has something to do with not wanting uninvited strangers knocking on their front door.


LSemmens - 27-10-2014 at 01:34

Tonight a friend asked if he could crash on my couch.

I had to explain to him I was married now and that's where I sleep.


waffler - 28-10-2014 at 12:21

Only three doors


An airline captain was breaking in a new blonde stewardess. The route they were flying had a layover in another city. Upon their arrival, the captain showed the stewardess the best place for airline personnel to eat, shop and stay overnight.

The next morning, as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day's route, he noticed the new stewardess was missing. He knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her up wondering what happened. She answered the phone, crying, and said she couldn't get out of her room. "You can't get out of your room?" the captain asked, "Why not?"

The stewardess replied: "There are only three doors in here," she sobbed, "one is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that says 'Do Not Disturb'!


Quaver - 28-10-2014 at 17:54

Quote:
Originally posted by LSemmens
Tonight a friend asked if he could crash on my couch.

I had to explain to him I was married now and that's where I sleep.

roffle


LSemmens - 12-11-2014 at 13:09

His funfair will be hello on Sundial.


victor - 12-11-2014 at 20:17

Quote:
Originally posted by marymary100
I hear boomerangs are making a comeback.


I thought that it was reincarnation that was making a comeback.


marymary100 - 12-11-2014 at 20:38

[bad img]http://i.imgur.com/AoKxkrb.jpg[/bad img]


victor - 12-11-2014 at 20:57

Chemistree nice one.

I couldn't find any lava to put on my tree. ;)


LSemmens - 27-11-2014 at 12:35

No Nativity Scene in Canberra this Year.


The Supreme Court has ruled that there cannot be a Nativity Scene in the nation's Capital this Christmas season.

This isn't for any religious reason.
They simply have not been able to find Three Wise Men in Canberra ..
The search for a Virgin continues.....
There was no problem however, finding enough donkeys to fill the stable.


LSemmens - 5-12-2014 at 10:11

For the golfers

A husband and wife are on the 9th green when suddenly she collapses.

"Help me dear," she groans to her husband.

The husband calls 911 on his cell phone, talks for a few minutes, picks up

his putter, and lines up his putt.

His wife raises her head off the green and stares at him.

"I'm dying here and you're putting?"

"Don't worry dear," says the husband calmly,

"they found a doctor on the second hole and he's coming to help you.

"Well, how long will it take for him to get here?" she asks feebly.

"No time at all," says her husband.

"Everybody's already agreed to let him play through."

___________________________



A gushy reporter told Phil Mickelson,

"You are spectacular; your name is synonymous with the game of golf.

You really know your way around the course.

What's your secret?"

Mickelson replied, "The holes are numbered."

___________________________



A young man and a priest are golfing together.

At a short par-3 the priest asks,

"What are you going to use on this hole, my son?"

The young man says, "An 8-iron, father. How about you?"

The priest says, "I'm going to hit a soft seven and pray."

The young man hits his 8-iron and puts the ball on the green.

The priest tops his 7-iron and dribbles the ball out a few yards.

The young man says,

"I don't know about you, father, but in my church, when we pray, we keep our head down."

__________________________



Police are called to an apartment and find a woman holding a bloody 3-iron

standing over a lifeless man.

The detective asks, "Ma'am, is that your husband?"

"Yes" says the woman.

"Did you hit him with that golf club?"

"Yes, yes, I did."

The woman begins to sob, drops the club, and puts her hands on her face.

"How many times did you hit him?"

"I don't know but put me down for a five."

___________________________



The bride was escorted down the aisle and when she reached the altar, the

groom was standing there with his golf bag and clubs at his side.

She said: "What are your golf clubs doing here?"

He looked her right in the eye and said, "This isn't going to take all day, is it?"


marymary100 - 5-12-2014 at 18:05

A man walks in to a janitor interview:

He sits down on a chair, and the interviewer starts questioning him.
"So son, where did you receive your education?"
The man replied "Yale".
The interviewer, pleasantly surprised, says "Yale? Hard to believe you went to Yale to become a janitor. So what's your name?"
The man replied "Yack Yackson".


LSemmens - 5-12-2014 at 23:59

:D


marymary100 - 8-12-2014 at 21:58

A little kid takes his mother's driving licence out of her purse and his mother catches him reading it so mildly scolds him.
The kid says "but I learned so much about you from it!"
She says ,"Well, ok, what did you learn about me?"
"Well, says the kid... "I know your age now"
"And what is that?" says his mother
"You're old" says the kid.
"And I learned your height."
"Which is?' says the mother
"You're really tall." he says
"Well, yes, I am tall for a woman"
"And, I learned your weight," he says
"And what is that?" asks the mother
"A lot for a woman your height!" the kids says.
The mother sighs and says "well, that's not nice, but I can't argue that"
"And," the kid says "I know why dad divorced you!"
"Huh? what?" says the mother, "How on earth did you get that from a driver's licence"
"Because, you got an F in sex!"


Quaver - 9-12-2014 at 09:10

roffle

Is it American? UK ones doesn't have weight on it.


LSemmens - 9-12-2014 at 09:36

Thnaks, Mary, stolen!


LSemmens - 9-12-2014 at 09:42

Fishing
The rain was pouring and there was a big puddle in front of the pub.
A ragged old man was standing there with a rod and hanging a string into the puddle.
A tipsy-looking, curious gentleman came over to him and asked what he was doing.
'Fishing,' the old man said simply.
'Poor old fool,' the gentleman thought and he invited the ragged old man to a drink in the pub.
As he felt he should start some conversation while they were sipping their whisky,
The gentleman asked, ?And how many have you caught?'
'You're the eighth,' the old man answered.


LSemmens - 9-12-2014 at 10:47


scholar - 11-12-2014 at 02:51

Off topic--some companies are now selling plastic food-storage containers with hinged lids, which necessarily remain attached to the container, as one-piece units.:D


LSemmens - 11-12-2014 at 10:31

I just spent half an hour looking for the containers to match the bl**dy lids!!! We did our fortnightly food shop which meant buying our usual beef and stuff, problem was our fridge was full, so I had no choice but to cut and pack in the freezer straight away. Biggest problem there was, it, too, was nearly full owing to having taken delivery of a whole sheep last week. Fun! Finding space for a half rump, a couple of chicken breasts, and a wad of sausages. All done, so we'll be right for meat for a few weeks! :)


LSemmens - 14-12-2014 at 08:56

After both suffering from depression for a while, me and the wife were going to commit suicide yesterday.
But strangely enough, once she killed herself, I started to feel a lot better. So I thought, "Screw it, soldier on!"

The other night, my wife asked me how many women I'd slept with.
I told her, "Only you. All the others kept me awake all night!"

My missus packed my bags, and as I walked out the front door, she screamed, "I wish you a slow and painful death, you b*****d!"
"Oh," I replied, "so now you want me to stay!"

A government survey has shown that 91% of illegal immigrants come to this country so that they can see their own doctor.


the bear - 14-12-2014 at 19:49

Quote:
Originally posted by marymary100
I hear boomerangs are making a comeback.



What do you call a Boomerang that wont come back..........A sticklips_sealed



Regards the Bear waveysmiley


scholar - 14-12-2014 at 19:53

What do you call a dog with no legs?












It doesn't matter--he won't come when you call him, anyway.lips_sealed


LSemmens - 3-1-2015 at 09:14

Warning Not Work Safe!


Mickey O'Flynn worked in an Irish pickle factory. For many years
he had a powerful desire to put his penis in the pickle slicer. Unable
to stand it any longer, he sought professional help from the factory
psychologist. After six months, the therapist gave up. He advised
Mickey to go ahead and do it or he would probably never have any
peace of mind.

The next day he came home from work very early. His wife, Mary,
became alarmed and wanted to know what had happened. Mickey
tearfully confessed his tormenting desire to put his penis in the pickle
slicer. He went on to explain that today he finally went ahead and
did it, and he was immediately fired.

Mary gasped and ran over to her husband. She quickly yanked
down his pants and shorts only to find a normal, completely intact
penis. She looked up and said, "I don't understand. What about
the pickle slicer?"

Mickey replied, "I think she got fired, too."


LSemmens - 3-1-2015 at 09:15

A high school teacher was arrested today at Sydney's International airport as he attempted to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a compass, a slide-rule and a calculator.
At the press conference, the Attorney General said he believes the man is a member of the notorious extremist Al-Gebra movement.

He did not identify the man, who has been charged by the AFP with carrying weapons of math instruction.
'Al-Gebra is a problem for us', the Attorney General said. 'They derive solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in search of absolute values.
' They use secret code names like "X" and "Y" and refer to them-selves as "unknowns; " but we have determined that they belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with co-ordinates in every country.

As the Greek philosopher Isosceles used to say, "There are three sides to every triangle.
" When asked to comment on the arrest, Federal Opposition Leader Bill Shorten said,
"If God had wanted us to have better weapons of math instruction, He would have given us more fingers and toes.
" Fellow Labor colleagues told reporters they could not recall a more intelligent or profound statement by the Opposition Leader.


marymary100 - 3-1-2015 at 10:35

:)


marymary100 - 3-1-2015 at 11:00

U rated jokes

Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees?
Because they're very good at it.




Frankenstein entered a body building contest and realized he severely misunderstood the objective.



Why did the scarecrow get a promotion?
Because he was out standing in his field.




A squirrel is living in a pine tree. One day he feels it shaking, looks down, and sees an elephant climbing the tree.
The squirrel asks: "What are you doing climbing my tree?"
"Well, I'm coming up here to eat some pears," says the elephant.
"You idiot, this is a pine tree, there are no pears."
"Well I brought my own pears."




A man’s at a bar when a guy walks up and takes the seat next to him. He has an eye patch. He as a peg leg. He has a hook for a hand.
“You look like a pirate!”
“Aye, that I am, that I am.”
“Wow. I’ve never met a pirate before. Can I ask you about it?”
“Shar ye can, matey. I’m a proud pirate, I am. Nothin ta hide.”
“So what happened to your leg?”
“”Well, it was rough seas, it was. I got meself knocked overboard, and before me mates could pull me back aboard, a shark took me leg off. Right at the knee! I been wearin this peg ever since.”
“A shark took off your leg?”
“Aye, he did. Right at the knee”
“I bet THAT hurt!”
“Aye, it did, it did.
“So what about the hook?”
“Well, me and me mates got into a fight with another crew. One of them scurvy blokes swung his cutlass and caught me right at the wrist. Cut me hand clean off, it did.”
“He cut off your hand?”
“Aye, he did, he did. With his cutlass. Right at the wrist. Been wearin this hook ever since.”
“I bet THAT hurt!”
“Aye, it did, it did.”
“So what about your eye patch?”
“Well, it was a beautiful day at sea, it was. Blue sky. Followin sea. Light breeze puffin out the sails. I was lookin up at the sails and a seagull pooped. Right in me eye.”
“A seagull? He pooped in your eye?”
“Aye, he did, he did.”
“I bet that hurt!”
“Not so much. But it was me first day with the hook…”


scholar - 3-1-2015 at 19:13

Quote:
Originally posted by marymary100
U rated jokes
A squirrel is living in a pine tree. One day he feels it shaking, looks down, and sees an elephant climbing the tree.
The squirrel asks: "What are you doing climbing my tree?"
"Well, I'm coming up here to eat some pears," says the elephant.
"You idiot, this is a pine tree, there are no pears."
"Well I brought my own pears."

:jester) laughy_smilie
I especially like this one, and will be telling it around.;)


LSemmens - 4-1-2015 at 00:48

I liked the pirate.


LSemmens - 8-1-2015 at 12:41

On his 70th birthday, a man was given a gift certificate from his wife.
The certificate was for consultation with a Herb Doctor living nearby who was rumored to have a simple cure for erectile dysfunction! The husband made an appointment and saw the Doctor.
The Herb Doctor gave him a herbal potion and with a grip on his shoulder warned, this is a powerful medicine. You take only a teaspoonful, and then say 1-2-3. When you do, you will become more manly than you have ever been in your life, and you can perform for as long as you want." The man thanked the Doctor and as he walked away, he turned and asked,
"How do I stop the herbs from working?"*
"Your partner must say '1-2-3-4,' he responded, "but when she does, the herbs will not work again until the next full moon."*
He was very eager to see if it worked so he went home, showered, shaved, took a spoonful of the medicine, and then invited his wife to join him in the bedroom. When she came in, he took off his clothes and said, "1-2-3! Immediately, he was the manliest of men. His wife was excited and began throwing off her clothes, and then she asked, What was the 1-2-3 'for' ?
And that, boys and girls, is why we should never end our sentences with a preposition, because we could end up with a dangling participle.


LSemmens - 9-1-2015 at 11:40

Last month, Montreal University and scientists released the results of a recent
analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer. Men should take a concerned look at their beer consumption.
The theory is that beer contains female hormones (hops contain Phytoestrogens)
and that by drinking enough beer, men turn into women.

To test the theory, 100 men each drank 8 schooners of beer
within a one (1) hour period.

It was then observed that 100% of the test subjects, yes, 100% of all these men:

1) Argued over nothing.

2) Refused to apologize when obviously wrong.
3) Gained weight.

4) Talked excessively without making sense.
5) Became overly emotional

6) Couldn't drive.
7) Failed to think rationally, and
8) Had to sit down while urinating.

No further testing was considered necessary!


Quaver - 9-1-2015 at 14:55

roffle


LSemmens - 11-1-2015 at 00:57

Sean is the vicar of a Protestant parish on the border of Northern Ireland and Southern Ireland, and Patrick is the priest at the Roman Catholic Church across the road.

One day they are seen together, erecting a sign which says,
"THE END IS NEAR.
TURN YOURSELF AROUND NOW,
BEFORE IT IS TOO LATE."

As a car speeds past them, the driver leans out his window and yells "Leave people alone, you religious nutters. We don't need your lectures."
From around the next curve they hear screeching tyres and a big splash.

Shaking his head, Father Patrick says "Dat's DA tird one dis mornin'."
"Yaa," Sean agrees, then adds, "Do ya tink maybe DA sign should just say "BRIDGE CLOSED"?


waffler - 11-1-2015 at 20:28

I like it :D


LSemmens - 14-1-2015 at 08:44

A golfing Nun!

A nun walks into Mother Superior's office and plonks down into a chair.


She lets out a sigh heavy with frustration.

"What troubles you, Sister?" asks the Mother Superior.
"I thought this was the day you spent with your family."

"It was," sighed the Sister. "And I went to play golf with my brother.
We try to play golf as often as we can.
You know I was quite a talented golfer before I devoted my life to Christ."

"I seem to recall that," the Mother Superior agreed.
"So I take it your day of recreation was not relaxing?"
"Far from it," snorted the Sister.
"In fact, I even took the Lord's name in vain today!"
"Goodness, Sister!" gasped the Mother Superior, astonished.
"You must tell me all about it!"

"Well, we were on the fifth tee... and this hole is a monster 540 yard Par 5,
with a nasty dogleg left and a hidden green and I hit the drive of my life.
I creamed it. The sweetest swing I ever made..
And it's flying straight and true, right along the line I wanted...
and it hits a bird in mid-flight not 100 yards off the tee!"

"Oh my!" commiserated the Mother. "How unfortunate!
But surely that didn't make you blaspheme, Sister!"

"No, that wasn't it," admitted Sister.
"While I was still trying to fathom what had happened, this squirrel runs out of the woods,
grabs my ball and runs off down the fairway!"

"Oh, that would have made me blaspheme!" sympathised Mother.

"But I didn't, Mother Superior!" sobbed the Sister.
"And I was so proud of myself!
And while I was pondering whether this was a sign from God,
this hawk swoops out of the sky and grabs the squirrel and flies off,
with my ball still clutched in its paws!"

"So that's when you cursed," said the Mother with a knowing smile.

"Nope, that wasn't it either," cried the Sister, anguished,
"because as the hawk started to fly out of sight,
the squirrel started struggling, and the hawk dropped it right there on the green,
and the ball popped out of its paws and rolled to about 18 inches from the cup!"

Mother Superior sat back in her chair, folded her arms across her chest, fixed the Sister with a baleful stare and said..."You missed the f**king putt, didn't you?"


LSemmens - 14-1-2015 at 08:45

This comes from 2 math teachers with a combined total of 70 yrs. experience.
It has an indisputable mathematical logic.
It also made me Laugh Out Loud.
This is a strictly ..... mathematical viewpoint... and it goes like this:

What Makes 100%?

What does it mean to give MORE than 100%?

Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%.

How about achieving 103%?

What makes up 100% in life?

Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:

If:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

Is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.

Then:

H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%

And

K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%

But ,

A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%

And,

B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%

AND, look how far ass kissing will take you.

A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%

So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty, that while Hard work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there.
It’s the b******* and ass Kissing that will put you over the top.
Now you know why some people are where they are!


marymary100 - 14-1-2015 at 18:27

There is a shipwreck. Two Scots, two Irishmen, and two Englishmen are stranded on an island. Within a week, the Scots are distilling whisky, the Irishmen are selling it in their pub, and the Englishmen are drinking on opposite sides of the bar because they haven't yet been properly introduced.


the bear - 15-1-2015 at 08:47

A man walked into a bar, knocked himself out????? It was an Iron Bar :D



Regards the Bear waveysmiley


LSemmens - 16-1-2015 at 04:11

I was in town yesterday and saw a very unusual funeral. A big, horse-drawn hearse was pulling two coffins, and behind it walked a man in black with a big Staffordshire Bull Terrier on a lead. Behind him slowly trudged about 50 guys in single file.

I couldn't resist asking, so I went up to the guy with the dog and asked, "what's this all about?"

"Well," said the guy, "those two coffins are my wife and my mother-in-law. My dog attacked my wife, and killed her. My mother-in-law went to help and she ended up badly bitten too, and died."

I thought for a moment, then asked, "mate, would you mind if I borrowed that dog?"

"You can," he replied, pointing to the line of guys behind him, "but you'll have to get in line!"


waffler - 17-1-2015 at 17:51

A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.
He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.
While he's in there, the husband tells his wife: "Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants s*x, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll k*ll us. Be strong, honey. I love you."
To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"


marymary100 - 19-1-2015 at 00:02

[bad img]http://i.imgur.com/AVyZUrZ.png[/bad img]


LSemmens - 19-1-2015 at 09:22

Husband takes the wife to her High School Reunion. After meeting some of her friends and former schoolmates, they are sitting at a table where he is yawning and bored.

The band cranks up, and people are beginning to dance. There's a guy on the dance floor living it large, break dancing, moon walking, back flips, buying drinks for people...the works.

Wife turns to her husband and says, "See that guy? 25 years ago, he proposed to me, and I turned him down."

Husband says, "Looks like he's still celebrating!"


marymary100 - 19-1-2015 at 16:58

:D


waffler - 20-1-2015 at 03:19

roffle


waffler - 20-1-2015 at 11:49

A Taliban terrorist, was plodding through the Afghan desert when he saw something far off in the distance.
Hoping to find water, he hurried toward the mirage, only to find a very frail little old Jewish man standing at a small makeshift display rack - selling ties.
The Taliban terrorist asked, "Do you have water?"
The Jewish man replied, "I have no water. Would you like to buy a tie? They are only $5."
The Taliban shouted hysterically, "Idiot Infidel! I do not need such an over-priced western adornment.
I spit on your ties. I need water!"
"Sorry, I have none, just ties - pure silk, and only $5."
"Pahh! A curse on your ties! I should wrap one around your scrawny little neck and choke the life out of you, but I must conserve my energy and find water!"
"Okay," said the little old Jewish man. "It does not matter that you do not want to buy a tie from me, or that you hate me, threaten my life, and call me infidel. I will show you that I am bigger than any of that. If you continue over that hill to the east for about two miles, you will find a restaurant..
It has the finest food and all the ice-cold water you need. Go In Peace."
Cursing him again, the desperate Taliban staggered away, over the hill.
Several hours later, he crawled back, almost dead, and gasped, "They won't let me in without a tie..."


marymary100 - 25-1-2015 at 12:50

At a hotel restaurant, a man sees an attractive woman sitting alone at the next table.
Suddenly, she sneezes, and a glass eye comes flying out of her eye socket. It hurls by the man, and he snatches it from the air and hands it back to her.
"This is so embarrassing," the woman says, and she pops her eye back in place. "I'm sorry to have disturbed you. Let me buy dinner to make it up to you. May I join you?" He nods.
The woman is a stimulating conversationalist, stunningly pretty, and the man finds they have a lot in common. He gets her phone number and asks, "You are the most charming woman I've ever encountered. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?"
"No," she replies. "You just happened to catch my eye."


waffler - 25-1-2015 at 19:34

smokin:


marymary100 - 6-2-2015 at 10:50

My grandfather, God rest his soul.
When I was much younger, I noticed him sprinkling gunpowder into his coffee every morning. Naturally curious, I asked him why he did that. He explained that he'd done this since he was a child, starting with gunpowder on his cereal or grits, and that his father told him that he'd always be virile, strong, and sharp-witted even into his twilight years if he performed this simple ritual every morning.
It must be true, since, when Grandpa passed on, he left 12 children, 35 grand children, 22 great grand children, 3 great-great grand children, and a fifteen foot deep crater where the crematorium used to be.


LSemmens - 7-2-2015 at 01:41

Five Germans in a Audi Quattro arrive at the Italian border. The Italian Customs Officer stops them and tells them
"It'sa illegala to putta 5 people in a Quattro."
"Vot do you mean it's illegal?" asks the German driver.
"Quattro meansa four" replies the Italian official.
"Quattro is just ze name of ze fokken automobile" the German says unbelievingly.
"Look at ze dam papers: ze car is designed to karry 5 persons."
"You canta pulla thata one on me-aa!" replies the Italian customs officer. "Quattro meansa four.
You have five-a people ina your car and thereforea youarra breaking da law"

The German driver replies angrily, "You idiot! Call your supervisor over. I vant to speak to someone viz more intelligence!"
"Sorry" responds the Italian officer, "He can'ta come. He's a busy with a 2 guys in a Fiat Uno."


LSemmens - 8-2-2015 at 00:57

Aussie Bush Etiquette is recognised throughout the civilized world but we all need to be reminded from time to time.



In General:

1. Never take an open stubby to a job interview...

2. Always identify people in your paddocks before shooting at them.

3. It's tacky to take an Esky to church.

4. If you have to vacuum the bed, it's time to change the sheets.

5. Even if you're certain you're included in the will, it's rude to take your ute and trailer to the funeral.

Eating Out:

1. When decanting wine from the box, tilt the paper cup and pour slowly so as not to bruise the wine.

2. If drinking directly from the bottle, hold it with only one hand.

Entertaining at Home:

1. A centrepiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist..

2. Don't allow the dog to eat at the table, no matter how good his manners.

Personal Hygiene:

1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this should be done in private, using one's OWN ute keys.

2. Even if you live alone, deodorant isn't a waste of money.

3. Extensive use of deodorant can only delay bathing by a few days.

4. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a no-no, it alters the taste of finger foods and if you are a woman it can draw attention away from your jewellery.

Theatre/Cinema Etiquette:

1. Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up after the movie ends.

2. Refrain from yelling abuse at characters on the screen. Tests have proven they can't hear you.

Weddings:

1. Livestock is a poor choice for a wedding gift.

2. For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A tracksuit with a cummerbund and a clean football jumper can create a tacky appearance.

3. Though uncomfortable, say "yes" to socks and shoes for the occasion.

Driving Etiquette:

1. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles, even if your gun's loaded and the roo's in your rifle sight.

2. When entering a roundabout, the vehicle with the largest roo bar doesn't always have the right of way.

3. Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.

4. When sending your wife down the road with a petrol can, it's impolite to ask her to bring back beer too.


LSemmens - 9-2-2015 at 10:21

A woman was having a passionate affair with an Irish inspector from a pest-control company. One afternoon they were carrying on in the bedroom together when her husband arrived home unexpectedly.

'Quick,' said the woman to the lover, 'into the closet!' and she pushed him in the closet, stark naked.

The husband, however, became suspicious and after a search of the bedroom discovered the man in the closet. 'Who are you?' he asked him.

'I'm an inspector from Bugs-B-Gone,' said the exterminator.

'What are you doing in there?' the husband asked.

'I'm investigating a complaint about an infestation of moths,' the man replied.

'And where are your clothes?' asked the husband.

The man looked down at himself and said, 'Those little b******s! '


marymary100 - 9-2-2015 at 11:20

LOL!


LSemmens - 11-2-2015 at 07:04

Olaf Swenson, out in his pasture in northern Minnesota, took a lightning-quick kick from a cow...right in his crotch; writhing in agony, he fell to the ground.

As soon as he could manage, he took himself to the doctor. He said: "How bad is it Doc? I'm going on my honeymoon next veek and my fiance, Lena, is still a virgin -- in every vay.

The doctor told him, "Olaf, I'll have to put your willy in a splint to let it heal, and keep it straight. It should be okay next week, but leave it on dere as long as you can. He took four tongue depressors and formed a neat little 4 sided splint, and taped it all together...quite an impressive work of art.

Olaf mentioned none of this to Lena, married her, and they went on their honeymoon to Duluth. That night in the Motel 6, Lena ripped open her blouse to reveal her beautiful, untouched breasts. She said: "Olaf...you're the first vun! No vun has EVER seen deez." Olaf immediately dropped his pants and replied:


"Look at dis Lena ... still in DA CRATE!"


LSemmens - 13-2-2015 at 00:20

'Viagra' is now available
in tea bags.

It doesn't enhance your sexual performance
but it does stop your biscuit going soft.


waffler - 13-2-2015 at 02:38

Olaf and Lena were on a baseball bus trip from Fargo, North Dakota to
Minneapolis, Minnesota, to see the Twins baseball game. Thirty miles out of
Fargo, the bus broke down and all passengers had to disembark.

Olaf says to Lena, Hey, Lena, let's go over dere in da bushes and have some
fun. Oh, no, says Lena. Ve couldn't do dat.

They get back on the repaired bus, but the bus breaks down again 50 miles
farther down the road. Again Olaf asks Lena to join him for some fun in the
bushes, but she again refuses.

The bus repaired, they get back on, drive 29 miles more, and again the bus
breaks down, and Olaf asks Lena, Can we go over dare in da bushes and have some
fun? Lena says, Ya, ve can do dat.

So they go over and have their fun. Back on the bus, Olaf asks Lena why she
refused the first two times, but accepted the third time.

Lena replies, Vell, I heard somebody on the bus say that if dis bus doesn't
get to Minneapolis pretty soon, the f***ing season will soon be over.


waffler - 13-2-2015 at 16:39

"Morning Sex"

She was standing in the kitchen, preparing our usual soft-boiled eggs and toast for breakfast, wearing only the t-shirt that she normally slept in.

As I walked in, almost awake, she turned to me and said softly, "You've got to make love to me this very moment!"

My eyes lit up and I thought, "I am either still dreaming or this is going to be my lucky day!" Not wanting to lose the moment, I embraced her and then gave it my all; right there on the kitchen table.

Afterwards she said, "Thanks,” and returned to the stove, her t-shirt still around her neck.

Happy, but a little puzzled, I asked, "What brought that on?"

She explained, "The egg timer's broken."


waffler - 14-2-2015 at 13:09

1. Escalators don’t break down… they just turn into stairs
2. “I’m sorry” and “I apologize” mean the same thing… except when you’re at a funeral.
3. I intend to live forever… or die trying.
4. We never knew he was a drunk… until he showed up to work sober.
5. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
6. A blind man walks into a bar….And a table, and a chair.
7. At what age is it appropriate to tell my dog that he’s adopted?
8. Want to hear a pizza joke…. nah, it’s too cheesy. What about a construction joke? Oh never mind, I’m still working on that one. Did you hear the one about the rope? Skip it. Have you heard the one about the guy in the wheelchair? Never mind, it’s too lame.
9. I used to be in a band, we were called ‘lost dog’. You probably saw our posters.
10. I childproofed the house… but they still get in!


LSemmens - 16-2-2015 at 23:44

Daughter's Vibrator

A mother was walking down the hall when she heard a humming sound coming from her daughter's bedroom.
When she opened the door she found her daughter naked on the bed with a vibrator.

What are you doing?" she exclaimed.


The daughter replied, "I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents and this is the closest I'll ever get to a husband."


Later that week the father was in the kitchen and heard a humming sound coming from the basement.
When he went downstairs, he found his daughter naked on the sofa with her vibrator.

"What are you doing?" he exclaimed.


The daughter replied, "I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents and this is the closest I'll ever get to a husband."


A couple of days later the mother heard the humming sound again, this time in the living room.
In there, she found her husband watching the Super Bowl on television with the vibrator buzzing away beside him.

"What are you doing?" she exclaimed.


He replied............"Watching the game with my son-in-law."


LSemmens - 20-2-2015 at 10:01

A little boy walks in to the lounge one Sunday morning while his dad is reading the paper.

"Where does poo come from?" he asks.

The father feeling a little perturbed that his 5 year old son is already asking difficult questions thinks for a moment and says:

"Well you know we just ate breakfast?"

"Yes," answers the boy.

"Well the food goes into our tummies and our bodies take out all the good stuff, and then whatever is left over comes out of our bums when we go to the loo, and that is poo."

The little boy looks perplexed, and stares at him in stunned silence for a few seconds and asks: "Well, what about Tigger then?"


waffler - 21-2-2015 at 00:03

My wife and I decided to take an organised trip to Afghanistan to see for ourselves what the place was like. It didn't start well when the train we were travelling on broke down a few miles north of the capital. We were stranded in a third world sh*t hole with streets full of angry bearded types glaring at us; the wife stood out in her brightly coloured sundress as all other women had head to toe burqas.

We were extremely scared and convinced that we were in deep trouble.

Just then, Dave the organiser suddenly remembered that Finsbury Park had a tube station, so we were able to get safely to Paddington and on to Heathrow for the rest of our journey.


Quaver - 21-2-2015 at 09:54

:D
(They could've just taken the Piccadilly line straight to Heathrow, instead of the overpriced Heathrow express;))


marymary100 - 23-2-2015 at 07:07

Some jumper leads walk into a bar for a drink. They ask the bartender for two beers but he refuses them service. When asked why, the bartender points at them and says "Well you're gonna start something.


LSemmens - 24-2-2015 at 11:59

During a lady's medical examination, the British doctor says,
"Your heart, lungs, pulse and blood pressure are all fine.

Now let me see the part that gets you ladies into all kinds of trouble."

The lady starts taking off her panties but is interrupted by the doctor.

"No! No! Leave your panties on..... Just stick out your tongue!"


waffler - 25-2-2015 at 00:59

Scottish husband

A thoughtful Scottish husband was putting his coat and hat
on to make his way down to the local pub.
He turned to his wee wife before leaving and said,
‘Brenda - put your hat and coat on, lassie.’
She replied, 'Awe Dear heart, that's nice - are you taking
me tae the pub with you?
'Nay,’ he replied ‘I'm turning the heat off while I'm out


LSemmens - 26-2-2015 at 01:14

An air traffic control tower suddenly lost communication with a small twin engine aircraft. A moment later the tower land line rang and was answered by one of the employees.


The passenger riding with the pilot who lost communications was on a cellular phone and yelled "Mayday, mayday!! The pilot had an instant and fatal heart attack. I grabbed his cell phone out of his pocket and he had told me before we took off he had the tower on his speed dial memory. I am flying upside down at 18,000 feet and travelling at 180 mph. Mayday, mayday!!"

The employee in the tower had put him on speaker phone immediately. "Calm down, we acknowledge you and we'll guide you down after a few questions. The first thing is not to panic, remain calm!!".

He began his series of questions:

Tower: "How do you know you are travelling at 18,000 feet??"

Aircraft: "I can see that it reads 18,000 feet on the Altimeter dial in front of me."

Tower: "Okay, that's good, remain calm. How do you know you're travelling at 180 mph?"

Aircraft: "I can see that it reads 180 mph on the Airspeed dial in front of me."

Tower: Okay, this is great so far, but it's heavily overcast, so how do you know you're flying upside down?"


Aircraft: The poop in my pants is running out of my shirt collar.


victor - 26-2-2015 at 10:02

roffle


marymary100 - 26-2-2015 at 21:46

An American, an Indian, and a Russian go to Hell and plead to the Devil that they don't belong here. The Devil, bored, makes them an offer: "I will strike you 3 times with my whip, and if you survive, I'll let you go. You can use anything you want as a shield".
The American goes first. He builds a high-tech shield from depleted uranium and composites, and hides behind it. The Devil strikes once - the shield cracks; twice - the shield falls apart; thrice - the American is no more.
Next goes the Indian. He puts himself in some advanced Yoga position and goes into deep meditation. The Devil strikes once - nothing; twice - the Indian shivers a bit; thrice - the Indian grunts, but lives. The Devil is amazed and tells him he's free to go. The Indian asks "May I stay and watch? In all jokes the Russians somehow come out on top. I want to see how he will do it this time". The Devil nods and turns to the Russian: "So, what will you use as a shield?"
The Russian: "The Indian, of course".


LSemmens - 27-2-2015 at 07:34

A Scottish love story

A young Scottish lad and lass were sitting on a low stone wall, holding
hands, gazing out over the loch.

For several minutes they sat silently. Then finally the girl looked at
the boy and said, "A penny for your thoughts, Angus."

"Well, uh, I was thinkin... perhaps it's aboot time for a wee kiss."

The girl blushed, then leaned over and kissed him lightly on the cheek.

Then he blushed. The two turned once again to gaze out over the loch.

Minutes passed and the girl spoke again. "Another penny for your
thoughts, Angus?"

"Well, uh, I was thinkin' perhaps it's noo aboot time for a wee
cuddle." The girl blushed, then leaned over and cuddled him for a few
seconds. Then he blushed.

And the two turned once again to gaze out over the loch. After a while,
she again said, "Another penny for your thoughts, Angus."

"Well, uh, I was thinkin' perhaps it's aboot time you let me put my
hand on your leg." The girl blushed, then took his hand and put it on
her knee. Then he blushed.

Then the two turned once again to gaze out over the loch before the
girl spoke again. "Another penny for your thoughts, Angus."

The young man glanced down with a furled brow. "Well, noo," he said, 'my
thoughts are a wee bit more serious this time.' "Really?" said the lass
in a whisper, filled with anticipation.

"Aye," said the lad, nodding.

The girl looked away in shyness, began to blush, and bit her lip in
anticipation of the ultimate request.

Then he said, "Dae ye nae think it's aboot time ye paid me the first
three pennies?"


LSemmens - 4-3-2015 at 02:04

Priest's Retirement Speech


A Priest was being honoured at his retirement dinner after 25 years in the parish.

The leading local politician and member of the congregation was chosen to make the presentation and to give a little speech at the dinner.
However, he was delayed, so the Priest decided to say his own few words while they waited:

He commenced with: "Thank Goodness we Catholics have a wonderful sense of humour!"
"I got my first impression of this parish from the very first confession I ever heard here. I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place.
The very first person who entered my confessional told me he had stolen a television set and, when questioned by the police, was able to lie his way out of it.
He had stolen money from his parents; embezzled from his employer; had an affair with his boss's wife; had sex with his boss's 17 year old daughter on numerous occasions, taken illegal drugs; had several homosexual affairs; was arrested several times for public nudity and gave VD to his sister. I was appalled that one person could do so many awful things. But as the days went on, I learned that my people were not all like that and I had, indeed, come to a fine parish full of good and loving people."

Just as the Priest finished his talk, the politician arrived full of apologies at being late. He immediately began to make the presentation and gave his talk:

"I'll never forget the first day our parish Priest arrived," said the politician. "In fact, I had the honor of being the first person to go to him for confession"

Moral: Never, Never, Never Be Late


LSemmens - 8-3-2015 at 01:55

It takes your food seven seconds to get from your mouth to your stomach.

One human hair can support 3kg (6.6 lb).

The average man's private part is three times the length of his thumb.

Human thighbones are stronger than concrete.

A woman's heart beats faster than a man's....

There are about one trillion bacteria on each of your feet.

Women blink twice as often as men.

The average person's skin weighs twice as much as the brain.

Your body uses 300 muscles to balance itself when you are standing still.

If saliva cannot dissolve something, you cannot taste it.

Women reading this will be finished now.

Men are still busy checking their thumbs.


LSemmens - 28-3-2015 at 00:15

Subject: Walking on water


Paddy had long heard the stories of an amazing family tradition.

It seems that his father, grandfather and great-grandfather had all been able to walk on water on their 18th birthday.

On that special day, they'd each walked across the lake to the pub on the far side for their first legal drink.

So when Paddy's, 18th birthday came around, he and his pal Mick, took a boat out to the middle of the lake, Paddy, stepped out of the boat ... and nearly drowned!
Mick just barely managed to pull him back into the boat and safety.

Furious and confused, Paddy, went to see his grandmother.
'Grandma,' he asked, "Tis me 18th birthday, so why can't I walk 'cross the lake like me farder, his farder, and his farder before him?"
Granny looked deeply into Paddy's, troubled brown eyes and said, "Because ye farder, ye grandfarder and ye great-grandfarder were all born in January, when the lake is frozen, and ye were born in August, ya fookin idiot!"


waffler - 28-3-2015 at 15:35

:D:D:D


LSemmens - 29-3-2015 at 00:37

Ronnie Follers decided to tie the knot with his long time girlfriend. One evening, after the honeymoon, he was organizing his golfing equipment.
His wife was standing nearby watching him. After along period of silence she finally speaks.
"Honey, I've been thinking, now that we're married I think it's time you quit golfing. Maybe you should sell your clubs and golf cart."
Ron gets this horrified look on his face.
She says, "Darling, what's wrong?" ”For a minute you were sounding like my ex-wife.”

"ex-wife!" she screams, "I didn't know you were married before!" ”I wasn't!“ replied Ron


waffler - 29-3-2015 at 09:36

The kids filed back into class Monday morning. They were very excited. Their weekend assignment was to sell something, then give a talk on productive salesmanship.

Little Sally led off: "I sold girl scout cookies and I made $30," she said proudly, "My sales approach was to appeal to the customer's civil spirit and I credit that approach for my obvious success."

"Very good," said the teacher.

Little Jenny was next: "I sold magazines," she said, "I made $45 and I explained to everyone that magazines would keep them up on current events."

"Very good, Jenny," said the teacher.

Eventually, it was Little Johnny's turn. The teacher held her breath.

Little Johnny walked to the front of the classroom and dumped a box full of cash on the teacher's desk. "$2,467," he said.

"$2,467!" cried the teacher, "What in the world were you selling?"

"Toothbrushes," said Little Johnny.

"Toothbrushes," echoed the teacher, "How could you possibly sell enough tooth brushes to make that much money?"

"I found the busiest corner in town," said Little Johnny, "I set up a Dip & Chip stand. I gave everybody who walked by a sample. They all said the same thing, "Hey, this tastes like s&(t!"

Then I would say, "It is s@#t. Wanna buy a toothbrush?"


marymary100 - 30-3-2015 at 16:44

A guy sends a text to his next-door neighbour:
"Bob, I'm sorry. I've been riddled with guilt and I have to confess: I have been helping myself to your wife when you're not around, probably more than you. I know it's no excuse but I don't get it at home. I can't live with the guilt any longer. I hope you'll accept my sincerest apology. It won't happen again."
Feeling outrage and betrayed, Bob grabs his gun, goes into the bedroom, and without a word, shoots his wife.
Moments later the guy gets a second text: "Really should use spell check! That should be "wifi"."


LSemmens - 31-3-2015 at 09:27

There is a huge house in our street. The extended family is run by an old woman with a pack of irritable dogs allowed to run without a leash.

Her car doesn't even have a number plate, but the police do nothing.

To the best of my knowledge, she has never had a regular job in her life, and her bad-tempered husband is notorious for his racist comments.

A shopkeeper blamed her for arranging the murder of his son's ex-wife and her boyfriend, but nothing has ever been proved.

All their kids have broken marriages except the youngest, who everyone thinks is gay.

Two grandsons are meant to be in the Army but are always out partying in nightclubs.

One of them just got married and seems to be settling down but the second is out of control. It is not even known if they have the same father.

I hate living near Buckingham Palace.


LSemmens - 31-3-2015 at 09:41


LSemmens - 31-3-2015 at 09:42


LSemmens - 31-3-2015 at 12:11

A modern day Jackaroo has spent many days in the outback without water.

His horse had already died of thirst. He's crawling along the dusty ground, certain that he has breathed his last breath, when all of a sudden he sees an object sticking out of the ground several yards ahead of him.

He crawls to the object, pulls it out of the ground and discovers what looks to be an old briefcase.

He opens it and out pops a genie.

But this is no ordinary genie.

She is wearing an Australian Taxation Office ID badge and a dull grey dress.

There's a calculator in her briefcase. She has a pencil tucked behind one ear. 'Well, Jackaroo,' says the genie,

'You know how I work....You have three wishes.'

'I'm not falling for this,' said the Jackaroo,

'I'm not going to trust a Taxation genie.'

'What do you have to lose? You've got no transportation, and it looks like you're a goner anyway!'


The Jackaroo thinks about this for a minute and decides that the genie is right.


'OK! I wish I were along-side a lush spring with plenty of food and drink.'

***POOF***

The Jackaroo finds himself beside the most beautiful spring he has ever seen, and he's surrounded with jugs of wine and platters of delicacies.

'OK, Jackaroo, what's your second wish.'

'My second wish is that I was rich ....

beyond my wildest dreams.'

** *POOF***

The Jackaroo finds himself surrounded by treasure chests filled with rare gold coins and precious gems.

'OK, Mr Jackaroo, you have just one more wish.

Better make it a good one!'

After thinking for a few minutes, the Jackaroo says,

'I wish that no matter where I go, beautiful women will want and need me.'

***POOF***

He was turned into a tampon.

Moral of the story:

If the Australian government offers to help you, there's going to be a string attached. Hahahahahahhahaha!!


marymary100 - 31-3-2015 at 22:44

A man walks into a pet shop and says to the owner. "Ok I want to buy a pet, but I don't want a boring normal pet, no cats, or dogs or budgies I want something different." The pet shop owner informs him that he has a talking centipede. "Really?" says the man "How much?" The owner informs him that the talking centipede is 50. Happy with the unusual offering the man pays the money and takes his new pet home. On getting home he lays the match box with the centipede in it on the table, opens it and says, "Hello Mister centipede, fancy going to the pub for a few drinks?" The centipede says nothing. Figuring it must be tired from the journey he decides to leave it for an hour and try again later. An hour later he opens the match box and says "Hello Mister centipede, fancy going to the pub for a few drinks?" The centipede again says nothing. Starting to get suspicious the man decides he will give it one more hour, and if the centipede doesn't talk he will take it back to the shop for a refund. An hour later the man opens the match box and says "Hello Mister centipede, fancy going to the pub for a few drinks?" The centipede says "I heard you the first time you moron! I'm putting my shoes on!"


LSemmens - 1-4-2015 at 01:10

MY DADDY SLEEPS NAKED
"Late again!" the third-grade teacher sternly said to little Shane.
"It ain't my fault this time, Miss Taylor. You can blame this 'un on my Daddy.
The reason I'm three hours late is my Daddy sleeps naked!"
Now, Miss Taylor had taught grammar school for thirty-some-odd years. Despite her mounting fears, she asked little Shane what he meant by that.
Full of grins and mischief, and in the flower of his youth, little Shane and trouble were old friends,...... but he always told her the truth.
"You see, Miss Taylor, out at the farm we got this here low down fox. The last few nights, he done ate six hens.
Last night, when Daddy heard a noise out in the chicken pen, he grabbed his double barrelled shot gun and said to my Ma, "That fox is back again...
I'm a gonna git him!'' "Stay back," Daddy whispered to all us kids!
"My Daddy was naked as a jaybird -- no boots, no pants, no shirt! To the hen house he crawled, just like an Injun on the snoop.
Then, he stuck that double-barrelled 12-gauge shotgun through the window of the coop.
As he stared into the darkness, with a fox on his mind, our old hound dog, Rip, had done gone and woke up and comes sneaking up behind Daddy.
Then, as we all looked on, plumb helpless, old Rip done went and stuck his cold nose in my Daddy's crack!"

"Miss Taylor, we all been pluckin' chickens since three o'clock this mornin!


LSemmens - 4-4-2015 at 00:55

TELL ME THIS WON'T HAPPEN TO ME !!!
Three sisters ages 92, 94 and 96 live in a house together.
One night the 96 year old draws a bath.. She puts her foot in and pauses...
She yells to the other sisters, "Was I getting in or out of the bath?"
The 94 year old yells back, "I don't know. I'll come up and see."
She starts up the stairs and pauses "Was I going up the stairs or down?"
The 92 year old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea listening to her sisters.
She shakes her head and says, "I sure hope I never get that forgetful," she knocked on wood.
She then yells, "I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who's at the door."
__________________________________
TELL ME THIS WON'T HAPPEN TO ME !!!

An elderly Lady called 999 on her mobile phone to report that her car has been broken into.

She is hysterical as she explains her situation to the operator: "They've stolen the stereo, the steering wheel, the brake pedal and even the accelerator!" she cried.
The operator said, "Stay calm An officer is on the way."
A few minutes later, the
Officer radios in. "Disregard.." He says, "She got in the back-seat by mistake.."
_____________________________________
I CAN HEAR JUST FINE!"

Three retirees, each with a hearing loss, were playing golf one fine March day.
One remarked to the other, "Windy, isn't it?"
"No," the second man replied, "it's Thursday..."
And the third man chimed in, "So am I. Let's have a beer."
_____________________________________
SUPERSEX

A little old lady who had lost her marbles was running up and down the halls in a nursing home. As she walked, she would flip up the hem of her nightgown and say "Supersex.." She walked up to an elderly man in a wheelchair Flipping her gown at him, she
Said, "Supersex."
He sat silently for a moment or two and finally answered, "I'll take the soup."
_____________________________________
ROMANCE

An older couple were lying in bed one night. The husband was falling asleep but the wife was in a romantic mood and wanted to talk. She said: "You used to hold my hand when we were courting." Wearily he reached across, held her hand for a second and tried to get back to sleep.. A few moments later she said: "Then you used to kiss me." Mildly irritated, he reached across, gave her a peck on the cheek and settled down to sleep.
Thirty seconds later she said: "Then you used to bite my Neck..." Angrily, he threw back the bed clothes and got out of bed. "Where are you going?" she asked..
"To get my teeth!"
_____________________________________
DOWN AT THE RETIREMENT CENTRE

80-year old Bessie bursts into the rec room at the retirement home. She holds her clenched fist in the air and announces," Anyone who can guess what's in my hand can have sex with me tonight!!" An elderly gentleman in the rear shouts out, "An elephant?" Bessie thinks a minute and says, "Close enough."
_____________________________________
OLD FRIENDS

Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years, they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards. One day, they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, "Now don't get mad at me.. I know we've been friends for a long time but I just can't think of your name.. I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is." Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her.

Finally she said, "How soon do you need to Know?"
_____________________________________
SENIOR DRIVING

As a senior citizen was driving down the motorway, his car phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, " Vernon , I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on M25. Please be careful!" "Hell," said Vernon , "It's not just one car.. It's hundreds of them!"
_____________________________________
DRIVING

Two elderly women were out driving in a large car - both could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along, they came to major crossroad. The stop light was red, but they just went on through.
The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself "I must be losing it. I could have sworn we just went through a red light." After a few more minutes, they came to another major junction and the light was red again. Again, they went right through. The woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was losing it. She was getting nervous. At the next junction, sure enough, the light was red and they went on through. So, she turned to the other woman and said, "Mildred, did you know that we just ran through three red lights in a row? You could have killed us both!"
Mildred turned to her and said, "Oh! Am I driving?"





Please !!!! Friends, tell me this won't happen to us !!!!


marymary100 - 5-4-2015 at 20:38

What did the pirate say on his eightieth birthday?

Aye matey



*******************

An Irishman had been drinking at a pub all night. The bartender finally said that the bar is closing. So the Irishman stood up to leave and fell flat on his face. He tried to stand one more time; same result. He figured he'll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up. Once outside he stood up and fell flat on his face. So he decided to crawl the 4 blocks to his home. When he arrived at the door he stood up and again fell flat on his face. He crawled through the door and into his bedroom. When he reached his bed he tried one more time to stand up. This time he managed to pull himself upright, but he quickly fell right into bed and is sound asleep as soon as his head hit the pillow. He was awakened the next morning to his wife standing over him, shouting,
"So, you've been out drinking again!!"
"What makes you say that?" he asked, putting on an innocent look.
"The pub called -- you left your wheelchair there again."


****************

A young monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to helping the other monks in copying the old canons and laws of the church, by hand.
He notices, however, that all of the monks are copying from copies, not from the original manuscript. So, the new monk goes to the Old Abbot to question this, pointing out that if someone made even an error in the first copy, it would never be picked up! In fact, that error would be continued in all of the subsequent copies.
The head monk, says, “We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son.”
He goes down into the dark caves underneath the monastery where the original manuscripts are held as archives, in a locked vault that hasn’t been opened for hundreds of years.
Hours go by and nobody sees the Old Abbot. So, the young monk gets worried and goes down to look for him. He sees him banging his head against the wall and wailing.
“We missed the R! We missed the R! We missed the bloody R!” His forehead is all bloody and bruised and he is crying uncontrollably. The young monk asks the old Abbot, “What’s wrong, father?”
With a choking voice, the old Abbot replies,
“The word was—CELEBRATE!”


LSemmens - 6-4-2015 at 02:42

The daughter asks her Dad, "Dad there is something that my boyfriend said to me, that I didn't understand."
"He said that I have a beautiful chassis, lovely airbags and a fantastic bumper."

Her Dad said, "You tell your boyfriend that if he opens your bonnet and tries to check your oil with his dipstick"
"I will tighten his nuts so hard that his headlights will pop out and he will start leaking out of his exhaust pipe."


the bear - 6-4-2015 at 05:40

Quote:
Originally posted by LSemmens
The daughter asks her Dad, "Dad there is something that my boyfriend said to me, that I didn't understand."
"He said that I have a beautiful chassis, lovely airbags and a fantastic bumper."

Her Dad said, "You tell your boyfriend that if he opens your bonnet and tries to check your oil with his dipstick"
"I will tighten his nuts so hard that his headlights will pop out and he will start leaking out of his exhaust pipe."



Ha the joys of the open road. smokin:


Regards the Bear waveysmiley


LSemmens - 7-4-2015 at 09:37

One day in the future, Barack Obama has a heart-attack and dies.
He immediately goes to hell, where the devil is waiting for him.



"I don't know what to do here," says the devil. "You are on my list, but I have no room for you. You definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got a couple of folks here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll even let YOU decide who leaves."

Obama thought that sounded pretty good, so the devil opened the door to the first room.
In it was Ted Kennedy and a large pool of water. Ted kept diving in, and surfacing, empty handed. Over, and over, and over he dived in and surfaced with nothing. Such was his fate in hell.

"No," Obama said. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer, and I don't think I could do that all day long."

The devil led him to the door of the next room.

In it was Al Gore with a sledge-hammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer, time after time after time.

"No, this is no good; I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day," commented Obama.

The devil opened a third door. Through it, Obama saw Bill Clinton, lying on the bed, his arms tied over his head, and his legs restrained in a spread-eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best.

Obama looked at this in shocked disbelief, and finally said, "Yeah man, I can handle this."

The devil smiled and said..........

(This is priceless...)


"OK, Monica, you're free to go."


marymary100 - 7-4-2015 at 13:34

a murder of crows





[bad img]http://i.imgur.com/3OWQO.png[/bad img]


LSemmens - 9-4-2015 at 13:07

Very good, Mary :D


marymary100 - 11-4-2015 at 08:47

What's orange and sounds like a parrot?












A Carrot.


marymary100 - 13-4-2015 at 06:29

For sale: Parachute. Only used once. Never been opened. Small stain.


marymary100 - 29-4-2015 at 17:50

My new boyfriend was telling me he was there when the Berlin Wall came down.
I said, "I'm not surprised, I've seen you trying to park your car."


LSemmens - 9-5-2015 at 03:07

I can identify with this - (Be warned, the censor may play havoc with some of the words, but you'll get the idea.)
A SENIOR TRYING TO SET A PASSWORD

WINDOWS: Please enter your new password.

USER: cabbage

WINDOWS: Sorry, the password must be more than 8 characters.

USER: boiled cabbage

WINDOWS: Sorry, the password must contain 1 numerical character.

USER: 1 boiled cabbage

WINDOWS: Sorry, the password cannot have blank spaces.

USER: 50bloodyboiledcabbages

WINDOWS: Sorry, the password must contain at least one upper case character.

USER: 50BLOODYboiledcabbages

WINDOWS: Sorry, the password cannot use more than one upper case character consecutively.

USER: 50BloodyBoiledCabbagesShovedUpYourArseIfYouDon'tGi veMeAccessNow!

WINDOWS: Sorry, the password cannot contain punctuation.

USER: ReallyPissedOff50BloodyBoiledCabbagesShovedUpYourA rseIfYouDontGiveMeAccessNow

WINDOWS: Sorry, that password is already in use.


LSemmens - 25-5-2015 at 02:39

NEVER TRUST A CRICKETER

Come all ye fair young maidens and harken unto me, Never trust a cricketer, whoever he may be.
Randier than a sailor who's been six months at sea, Never let a cricketer's hand an inch above your knee.
First let's take the paceman, pure speed from first to last, My darlings do be careful; his balls are hard and fast.
Then there's the medium pacer, his balls swing either way; He's really most persistent and can keep it up all day!
And watch for the off-spinner, girls, another awkward chap. If you leave him half an opening, he will slip one through the gap!
Then there's the wily 'slowy', pure cunning is his strength; He'll tempt you, then he'll trap you with his very subtle length.
So ladies, do be careful, your mothers would agree. Never trust a cricketer, whoever he may be.
And what about the opening bat, his struggles never cease! He has only one ambition, to spend all day at the crease.
The number three is a dasher, he seldom prods and pokes. When he goes into action, he has a fine array of strokes..
And do beware the slogger, not content with one or two; When he arrives at the crease then only six will do.
Then there's the real stonewaller, girls, he knows what he's about; And if you let him settle in, it's hard to get him out!
We come now to the last man, I hope this will not shock, He doesn't mind if he's last man in, as long as he gets a knock.
So, darlings, do be careful, and be well warned by me: Never trust a cricketer, whoever he may be.
And watch the wicketkeeper, girls, he's full of flair and dash; And if you raise your heel, he'll whip them off in a flash.
If you take the field with the captain, you had better know the score; Or he'll have you in positions that you never knew before!
The cricket commentator is a nasty sort of bloke, He watches all the action and describes it stroke by stroke.
Even the kindly umpire, who looks friendly as a pup; You'll quickly find you've had it, when he puts his finger up!
So, darlings, please remember and repeat it after me:

“NEVER TRUST A CRICKETER, WHOEVER HE MAY BE!!!!!”


LSemmens - 4-6-2015 at 06:06

A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the other if there is
sex after death.

Their biggest fear was that there was no after life at all.
After a long life together, Frank was the first to die. True to his word, he made the first
contact: "Kris, Kris, can you hear me?"

Is that you, Frank?"

Yes, I've come back like we agreed."

"That's wonderful! What's it like?"

"Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex. I have breakfast and then it's off to the golf course.

I have sex again, bathe in the warm sun and then have sex a couple of more times..

Then I have lunch (and Kris, you'd be proud -- lots of greens).Another romp around the golf course, then pretty much have sex the rest of the afternoon.
After supper, it's back to the golf course again.

Then it's more sex until late at night.
I catch some much needed sleep and then the next day it starts all over again"

"Oh, Frank!........ Are you in Heaven?"

"No -- I'm a rabbit somewhere in Arizona."


marymary100 - 24-6-2015 at 19:11

Frank Sinatra's son has developed a Wildebeest pate.
Start spreading the gnus.


LSemmens - 4-7-2015 at 02:21

Only a Farm Kid...

When you're from the country, your perception is a little bit different.

A farmer drove to a neighbour's farmhouse and knocked at the door. A boy, about 9, opened the door.


"Is your dad or mum home?" said the farmer.


"No, they went to town."


"How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?"


"No, he went with Mum and Dad."


The farmer stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other, and mumbling to himself.


"I know where all the tools are, if you want to borrow one, or I can give Dad a message."


"Well," said the farmer uncomfortably, "I really wanted to talk to your Dad. It's about your brother Howard getting my daughter Suzy pregnant".


The boy thought for a moment...



"You would have to talk to Dad about that. I know he charges $500 for the bull and $50 for the pig, but I don't know how much he charges for Howard."


the bear - 5-7-2015 at 07:29

Quote:
Originally posted by LSemmens
Only a Farm Kid...

When you're from the country, your perception is a little bit different.

A farmer drove to a neighbour's farmhouse and knocked at the door. A boy, about 9, opened the door.


"Is your dad or mum home?" said the farmer.


"No, they went to town."


"How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?"


"No, he went with Mum and Dad."


The farmer stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other, and mumbling to himself.


"I know where all the tools are, if you want to borrow one, or I can give Dad a message."


"Well," said the farmer uncomfortably, "I really wanted to talk to your Dad. It's about your brother Howard getting my daughter Suzy pregnant".


The boy thought for a moment...



"You would have to talk to Dad about that. I know he charges $500 for the bull and $50 for the pig, but I don't know how much he charges for Howard."




smokin:


Regards the Bear waveysmiley


the bear - 5-7-2015 at 18:32

What do you call a Boomerang that won't come back.






A stick lips_sealed



Regards the Bear waveysmiley


LSemmens - 6-7-2015 at 02:18

There, O'Bear, you are wrong, the blackfellas call them a "nulla nulla" which translates to "Stick". nananana


marymary100 - 9-7-2015 at 08:57

.


Quaver - 9-7-2015 at 09:54

roffle


marymary100 - 9-7-2015 at 10:20

Just a joke of course. :)


LSemmens - 9-7-2015 at 11:47

Like! Stolen!


the bear - 9-7-2015 at 14:34

Quote:
Originally posted by marymary100
Just a joke of course. :)



Of course smokin:


Regards the Bear waveysmiley


marymary100 - 9-7-2015 at 22:35

He puts an ad in the paper saying that if anyone can beat his bartender in a feat of strength, then he will give them Ł10,000. So people come from all over trying to win the money, bodybuilders, construction workers, boxers, but nobody can beat him. In order to win, they must squeeze just one drop of juice out of a lemon after the bartender squeezes it. So one day a skinny man in a suit with Poindexter glasses walks in and says he can beat the bartender in the feat of strength. After everyone in the bar stops laughing, the bartender says ok and start squeezing and squeezing until there's almost nothing left in the lemon. So he hands it to the man and in just ten seconds the skinny man gets 6 drops out of the lemon. The owner of the bar gives him his money and says "before you go, tell me, how did you do that? Are you a magician? Martial artist? How in the world did you beat him?" And the man replies "oh no no no, I work for the Government."


scholar - 10-7-2015 at 00:06

A young man caught a new disease, a virus that travels from birds to humans.

He seems to have caught it from his neighbor's parakeet.

He has one of the first known cases of chirpes. [rhymes with "herpes"]

:jester)


marymary100 - 10-7-2015 at 09:14

Some years ago a small rural town in Spain twinned with a similar town in Greece.
The mayor of the Greek town visited the Spanish town. When he saw the palatial mansion belonging to the Spanish mayor, he wondered aloud how on earth he could afford such a house.
The Spaniard replied:‘You see that bridge over there? The EU gave us a grant to construct a two-lane bridge, but by building a single lane bridge with traffic lights at either end, I could build this place.’
The following year the Spaniard visited the Greek town. He was simply amazed at the Greek mayor's house: gold taps, marble floors, diamond doorknobs, it was marvellous.
When he asked how he’d raised the money to build this incredible house, the Greek mayor said:‘You see that bridge over there?’
The Spaniard replied:‘No.’


===


As of this week, all new Euros are to be printed on Greece-proof paper.
===


Syria has appealed for international assistance today, after a boatload of 500 Greeks arrived seeking a better life.
===


What are the first three letters of the Greek alphabet?
I.O.U.
====


I'm investing in a new currency...the George Foreman Euro.
Same as the other Euro, but no Greece.
===


Alex Tsipras has said that Greece will "Bounce Back".
Just like its cheques.
===


My son wanted to know what it was like to live in Greece, so I took his pocket money off him.


LSemmens - 21-7-2015 at 04:05

Why women wear handbags


LSemmens - 21-7-2015 at 04:05

Sir Reginald's marvellous organ


waffler - 21-7-2015 at 19:02

That was fun :D


marymary100 - 24-7-2015 at 16:16

A driver was stuck in a traffic jam on the motorway outside Brussels.
Nothing was moving.
Suddenly, a man knocks on the window. The driver rolls down the window and asks, "What's going on?"
"Terrorists have kidnapped the entire EU parliament, and they're asking for a 100 million Euro ransom. Otherwise, they are going to douse them all in petrol and set them on fire.
We are going from car to car, collecting donations."
"How much is everyone giving, on an average?" the driver asks.
The man replies, "Roughly a gallon."


marymary100 - 29-7-2015 at 18:32

Steven Spielberg wanted to make an action movie with Stallone, Schwarzenegger, Van Damme and Seagal starring as classical composers.
Stallone says “I've always fancied playing Beethoven."
Van Damme says, "I'm sure I could play a mean Tchaikovsky."
Seagal says, "I've got Rimsky-Korsakov down guys."
Schwarzenegger who has been quiet for all this time thoughtfully says...
"I'll be Bach."


LSemmens - 30-7-2015 at 03:08

Groannnnnn! :D


LSemmens - 30-7-2015 at 06:48

Ed came home drunk one night, slid into bed beside his sleeping wife, and fell into a deep slumber.

He awoke before the Pearly Gates, where St. Peter said, 'You died in your sleep, Ed.'

Ed was stunned. 'I'm dead? No, I can't be! I've got too much to live for. Send me back!'

St. Peter said, 'I'm sorry, but there's only one way you can go back, and that is as a chicken.'

Ed was devastated, but begged St. Peter to send him to a farm near his home. The next thing he knew, he was covered with feathers, clucking and pecking the ground.

A rooster strolled past. 'So, you're the new hen, huh? How's your first day here?'

'Not bad,' replied Ed the hen, 'but I have this strange feeling inside. Like I'm gonna explode!'

'You're ovulating,' explained the rooster. 'Don't tell me you've never laid an egg before?'

'Never,' said Ed.

'Well, just relax and let it happen,' says the rooster. 'It's no big deal.'

He did, and a few uncomfortable seconds later, out popped an egg! He was overcome with emotion as he experienced motherhood. He soon laid another egg -- his joy was overwhelming..

As he was about to lay his third egg, he felt a smack on the back of his head, and heard.....

"Ed, wake up! You've s*** the bed!"

Getting OLD just ain't what they said it would be!


Quaver - 30-7-2015 at 11:47

Quote:
Originally posted by LSemmens
Sir Reginald's marvellous organ

Giron would love this:D


LSemmens - 30-7-2015 at 12:22

You are right, there, Quaver. Has anyone found out what happened to him yet?


LSemmens - 31-7-2015 at 01:54

The Irish Bic Lighter

Mick and Paddy were fishing on the Irish shoreline when Mick pulled out a cigar. Finding he had No matches, he asked Paddy for a light.

'Ya, sure, I tink I haff a lighter,' Paddy replied and then reaching into his tackle box, he pulled out a Bic lighter 10 inches long.

'My God, man!' exclaimed Mick, taking the huge Bic lighter in his hands. 'Where'd yew git dat monster?'

'Well,' replied Paddy, 'I got it from my Genie.'

'You haff a f****** Genie?' Mick asked.

'Ya, sure. It's right here in my tackle box,' says Paddy.

'Could I see him?'

Paddy opens his tackle box and sure enough, out pops the Genie.


Addressing the Genie, Mick says, 'Hey dere! I'm a good pal of your master.
Will you grant me one wish?'
'Yes, I will,' says the Genie.

So Mick asks the Genie for a million bucks. The Genie disappears back into the tackle box leaving Mick sitting there waiting for his million bucks.

Shortly, the Irish sky darkens and is filled with the sound of a million ducks flying directly overhead.



Over the roar of the one million ducks Mick yells at Paddy, 'What the hell? I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks!'

Paddy answers, 'Ya, I forgot to tell yew dat da Genie is hard of hearing. Do yew really tink I asked for a 10 inch Bic?'


marymary100 - 2-8-2015 at 22:08

[bad img]http://i.imgur.com/V9VgTcJ.jpg[/bad img]


LSemmens - 3-8-2015 at 07:20

The bar was pretty quiet when a giant slab of asphalt walked in.

The slab of asphalt said to the barman "I am THE number 1 highway in all the country." "No other highway is as long as I am." "No other highway carries so many cars an hour." "No other highway has so much produce transported on it." "I am THE number ONE highway in all the country!"
The barman says, "Hey, I don't want any trouble round here, I tell you what, the first beer is on the house"


As he's drinking the beer, in walks a smaller slab of asphalt.
The number one highway turns to the barman and says, "Watch this" then goes up to the smaller piece of asphalt and says, "I am THE number 1 highway in all the country." "No other highway is as long as I am." "No other highway carries so many cars an hour." "No other highway has so much produce transported on it." "I am THE number ONE highway in all the country!"
The smaller piece of asphalt says, "Hey, I'm just a normal highway, I don't want any trouble, here, let me buy you a beer"

As they are drinking their beers, in walks a small piece of asphalt. The Number 1 Interstate Highways says, "Hey watch this" and walk up to the small piece of asphalt and says, "I am THE number 1 highway in all the country." "No other highway is as long as I am." "No other highway carries so many cars an hour." "No other highway has so much produce transported on it." "I am THE number ONE highway in all the country!"
The small piece of asphalt says, "Hey, I'm just a road, I don't want any trouble, here, let me buy you a beer"

All three are sitting there having a beer when in walks, the tiniest piece of asphalt you ever did see. This thing is tiny, it can't be even two metres across.
The Number 1 Interstate Highway looks up, sees this tiny piece of asphalt, and jumps behind the bar, and cowers behind the barman.
Everyone looks at him and says, "What the hell, I thought you were "THE number 1 highway in all the country, with no other highway as long, No other highway carrying so many cars an hour, No other highway used to transport so much produce etc" What the hell are you doing hiding from this little piece of asphalt?

The number 1 Interstate says, "Yes, yes, I am, but you don't realise, no-one messes with that guy, that guy's a cyclepath!"


LSemmens - 3-8-2015 at 08:43

I resemble this:



A six year old girl goes to the hospital with her mother to visit her Grandpa.
When they get to the hospital she runs ahead of her mother & bursts into her Grandpa's room
"Grandpa Grandpa" she says excitedly
"as soon as my mother comes into the room make a noise like a frog"
"What !" said her Grandpa
"Make a noise like a frog because mom said that as soon as you croak we're all going to Disney World"


marymary100 - 5-8-2015 at 16:13

[bad img]http://i.imgur.com/AQ3mMvA.jpg[/bad img]


marymary100 - 7-8-2015 at 22:45

Male Female toilets


LSemmens - 15-8-2015 at 07:21

On his 70th birthday, a man was given a gift certificate from his wife.
The certificate was for consultation with an Indian medicine man living on a nearby reservation who was rumored to have a simple cure for erectile dysfunction. The husband went to the reservation and saw the medicine man.
The old Indian gave him a potion and, with a grip on his shoulder, warned ‘This is a powerful medicine. You take only a teaspoonful, and then say:
‘1-2-3.' When you do, you will become more manly than you have ever been in your life, and you can perform for as long as you want."
The man thanked the old Indian, and as he walked away, he turned and asked: “How do I stop the medicine from working?" "Your partner must say ‘1-2-3-4,' he responded, "but when she does, the medicine will not work again until the next full moon."
He was very eager to see if it worked so he went home, showered, shaved, took a spoonful of the medicine, and then invited his wife to join him in the bedroom.
When she came in, he took off his clothes and said: "1-2-3!"
Immediately, he was the manliest of men.
His wife was excited and began throwing off her clothes, and asked: "What was the 1-2-3 for?"
And that, boys and girls, is why we should never end our sentences with a preposition, because we could end up with a dangling participle.


Quaver - 15-8-2015 at 14:37

Quote:
Originally posted by marymary100
Male Female toilets

Unmistakable :D


the bear - 16-8-2015 at 15:05

Rather harsh :( but true smokin:


Regards the Bear waveysmiley


marymary100 - 17-8-2015 at 17:52

Quote:

1. Rhys James
Umbro is named after what your friends say to you if they see you wearing it.
Remains is at Pleasance Courtyard until 30 August

2. Darren Walsh
My cat is recovering from a massive stroke.
Punderbolt is at the Pleasance Courtyard until 31 August

3. Katherine Ryan
Joan Rivers got exactly what she wanted from that final surgery – to stop ageing. Finally she nailed it.
Kathbum is at the Stand 3/4 until 22 August

4. Aisling Bea
I just don’t have lesbian genes – which are dungarees.
Plan Bea is at the Gilded Balloon until 30 August

5. Chris Martin
If you want to to feel less intimidated by a bouncer, do what I do and imagine their ear piece is just a motivational tape going: “You’re a soft, strong individual.”
This Show Has a Soundtrack is at the Free Sisters until 30 August

6. Mark Nelson
Jesus fed 5,000 people with two fishes and a loaf of bread. Now, that’s not a miracle is it? That’s tapas.
Older Than Jesus is at the Gilded Balloon until 30 August

7. Grace the Child
I’m a Buddhist. One of my main goals as a Buddhist is to have the world’s largest collection of Buddhas.
Grace the Child was at Bob’s Blundabus earlier in the Fringe

8. Hal Cruttenden
Victorians would have been great on social media. They’d have had their own emojis. Open brackets-close brackets means: “I’ve got rickets.”
Straight Outta Cruttenden is at the Pleasance Courtyard until 30 August

9. Bridget Christie
I learned about method acting at drama school, when all my classmates stayed in character as posh, patronising t***s for the entire three years I was there.
A Book For Her is at the Stand Comedy Club until 31 August

10. Pippa Evans
I was vegan for a while. I lost 6lb, but most of that was personality.
There Are No Guilty Pleasures is at Bannermans until 29 August

Via The Guardian newspaper


marymary100 - 24-8-2015 at 23:00

A few minutes before the services started, the townspeople were sitting in their pews and talking. Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church. Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate.
Soon everyone had exited the church except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew without moving, seeming oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence.
So Satan walked up to the old man and said, "Don't you know who I am?" The man replied, "Yep, sure do."
"Aren't you afraid of me?" Satan asked.
"Nope, sure ain't," said the man.
"Don't you realize I can kill you with a word?" asked Satan.
"Don't doubt it for a minute," returned the old man, in an even tone.
"Did you know that I could cause you profound, horrifying, physical AGONY... for all eternity?" persisted Satan.
"Yep," was the calm reply.
"And you're still not afraid?" asked Satan.
"Nope."
More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, "Well, why aren't you afraid of me?"
The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for the last 48 years!!..


marymary100 - 25-8-2015 at 22:17

1. Darren Walsh: I just deleted all the German names off my phone. It’s Hans free.

2. Stewart Francis: Kim Kardashian is saddled with a huge ass … but enough about Kanye West.

3. Adam Hess: Surely every car is a people carrier?

4. Masai Graham: What’s the difference between a hippo and a Zippo? One is really heavy, the other is a little lighter.

5. Dave Green: If I could take just one thing to a desert island, I probably wouldn’t go.

6. Mark Nelson: Jesus fed 5,000 people with two fishes and a loaf of bread. That’s not a miracle. That’s tapas.

7. Tom Parry: Red sky at night: shepherd’s delight. Blue sky at night: day.

8. Alun Cochrane: The first time I met my wife, I knew she was a keeper. She was wearing massive gloves.

9. Simon Munnery: Clowns divorce: custardy battle.

10. Grace the Child: They’re always telling me to live my dreams. But I don’t want to be naked in an exam I haven’t revised for.


the bear - 25-8-2015 at 22:43

Quote:
Originally posted by marymary100
1. Darren Walsh: I just deleted all the German names off my phone. It’s Hans free.

2. Stewart Francis: Kim Kardashian is saddled with a huge ass … but enough about Kanye West.

3. Adam Hess: Surely every car is a people carrier?

4. Masai Graham: What’s the difference between a hippo and a Zippo? One is really heavy, the other is a little lighter.

5. Dave Green: If I could take just one thing to a desert island, I probably wouldn’t go.

6. Mark Nelson: Jesus fed 5,000 people with two fishes and a loaf of bread. That’s not a miracle. That’s tapas.

7. Tom Parry: Red sky at night: shepherd’s delight. Blue sky at night: day.

8. Alun Cochrane: The first time I met my wife, I knew she was a keeper. She was wearing massive gloves.

9. Simon Munnery: Clowns divorce: custardy battle.

10. Grace the Child: They’re always telling me to live my dreams. But I don’t want to be naked in an exam I haven’t revised for.



rollarfrollarf


Regards, the Bear waveysmiley


scholar - 26-8-2015 at 00:47

Thank you, MM. The winners are the better jokes.;)


marymary100 - 28-8-2015 at 22:39

Tom finally decided to tie the knot with his longtime girlfriend. One evening, after the honeymoon, he was cleaning one of his hot rods for an upcoming show.
His wife was standing there at the bench watching him. After a long period of silence she finally speaks. "Honey, I've just been thinking, now that we are married maybe it's time you quit spending all your time out here in the garage and you probably should just consider selling all your cars.
Tom gets this horrified look on his face. She says, "Darling, what's wrong?"
"There for a minute you were starting to sound like my ex-wife."
"Ex-wife!”, she screams, "YOU NEVER TOLD ME YOU WERE MARRIED BEFORE!!!!!!!"
Tom's reply: "I wasn't".


marymary100 - 30-8-2015 at 10:44

A student visits the principal's office. The principal asks: "What is your name, son?" The student replies: "D-d-d-dav-dav-david, sir." Then the principal asks: "Oh, do you have a stutter?" Student answers: "No sir, my dad has a stutter but the guy who registered my name was an ass."


LSemmens - 30-8-2015 at 13:25

L-L-L-L-Like! :D


LSemmens - 31-8-2015 at 12:20

CARDIOLOGIST'S FUNERAL


This would be an acceptable reason to laugh at a funeral.

A very prestigious cardiologist died, and was given a very elaborate
funeral by the hospital he worked for most of his life.

A huge heart covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the
service as all the doctors from the hospital sat in awe.

Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside.
The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart
forever.

At that point, one of the mourners just burst into laughter.

When all eyes stared at him, he said,

'I'm so sorry. I was just
thinking of my own funeral. I'm a gynecologist!'

The priest fainted!


marymary100 - 31-8-2015 at 16:20

:D


the bear - 31-8-2015 at 21:45

Man selling a Boa Constrictor gets a phone call from a potential buyer.

The buyer asks "is it long"

"Yes" says the man

"How many feet" asks the buyer

" None you idiot, it's a snake" smokin:


Regards the Bear waveysmiley


scholar - 1-9-2015 at 01:30

:jester)
laughy_smilie


LSemmens - 4-9-2015 at 07:48

> : The Welfare Queen
>
> A WOMAN WALKS INTO THE DOWNTOWN WELFARE OFFICE, TRAILED BY 15 KIDS.
>
> 'WOW,' THE SOCIAL WORKER EXCLAIMS, 'ARE THEY ALL YOURS?
>
> 'THEY'RE ALL MINE,' THE FLUSTERED MOMMA SIGHS, HAVING HEARD THAT
> QUESTION A THOUSAND TIMES BEFORE.
>
> SHE SAYS, 'SIT DOWN TERRY.' ALL THE CHILDREN RUSH TO FIND SEATS.
>
> 'WELL,' SAYS THE SOCIAL WORKER, 'THEN YOU MUST BE HERE TO SIGN UP. I'LL
> NEED ALL YOUR CHILDREN'S NAMES.'
>
> WELL, TO KEEP IT SIMPLE, THE BOYS ARE ALL NAMED TERRY AND THE GIRLS ARE
> ALL NAMED TERRI."
>
> IN DISBELIEF, THE CASE WORKER SAYS, 'ARE YOU SERIOUS? THEY'RE ALL NAMED
> TERRY?'
>
> THEIR MOMMA REPLIES, 'WELL, YES - IT MAKES IT EASIER. WHEN IT'S TIME TO
> GET THEM OUT OF BED AND READY FOR SCHOOL, I YELL,TERRY! AN' WHEN IT'S
> TIME FOR DINNER, I JUST YELL TERRY! AND THEY ALL COME A RUNNING.
>
> AND IF I NEED TO STOP THE KID WHO'S RUNNING INTO THE STREET, I JUST YELL
> TERRY AND ALL OF THEM STOP.
> IT'S THE SMARTEST IDEA I EVER HAD, NAMING THEM ALL TERRY.'
>
> THE SOCIAL WORKER THINKS THIS OVER FOR A BIT, THEN WRINKLES HER FOREHEAD
> AND SAYS TENTATIVELY, 'BUT WHAT IF YOU JUST WANT ONE KID TO COME, AND
> NOT THE WHOLE BUNCH?'
>
> 'THEN I CALL THEM BY THEIR LAST NAMES.'


LSemmens - 7-9-2015 at 04:01

WARNING! Not coffee, tea, or food friendly!!!!! I'd also read it before you let younger members read it too.


Many Sydney folks DID hear this on the FOX FM morning show in Sydney.

The DJs play a game where they award winners great prizes.

The game is called "Mate Match". The DJs call someone at work and ask if they are married or seriously involved with someone. If the contestant answers "yes", he or she is then asked 3 random yet highly personal questions.

The person is also asked to divulge the name of their partner with (phone number) for verification. If their partner answers those same three questions correctly, they both win the prize.

One particular game, however, several months ago made the Harbour City drop to its knees with laughter.

Anyway, here's how it all went down:
 
 


DJ: "Hey! This is Ed on FOX-FM. Have you ever heard of 'Mate Match'?"

Contestant: (laughing) "Yes, I have."

DJ: "Great! Then you know we're giving away a trip to the Gold Coast if you win. What is your name? First only please."

Contestant: "Brian."

DJ: "Brian, are you married or what?"

Brian: (laughing nervously) "Yes, I am married."

DJ: "Thank you. Now, what is your wife's name? First only please."

Brian: "Sarah."

DJ: "Is Sarah at work, Brian?"

Brian: (laughing) "Yes, she's at work."

DJ: "Okay, first question - when was the last time you had sex?"

Brian: "About 8 o'clock this morning."

DJ: "Question #2 - How long did it last?"

Brian: "About 10 minutes."

DJ: "Wow! You really want that trip, huh? No one would ever Have said that if a trip wasn't at stake."

Brian: "Yeah, that trip sure would be nice."

DJ: "Okay. Final question. Where did you have sex at 8 o'clock this morning?

Brian: "On the kitchen table."

Okay folks, I will put Brian on hold, get his wife's work Number and call her up.

DJ: "Okay audience; let's call Sarah, shall we?" (Touch tones.....ringing....)

Clerk: "Kinkos."

DJ: "Hey, is Sarah around there somewhere?"

Clerk: "This is she."

DJ: "Sarah, this is Ed with FOX-FM. We are live on the air Right now and I've been talking with Brian for a couple of hours now."

Sarah: (laughing) "A couple of hours?"

DJ: "Well, a while now. He is on the line with us. Brian knows not to give anyanswers away or you'll lose. Sooooooo... do you know the rules of 'Mate Match'?"

Sarah: "No."

DJ: "Good!"

Brian: (laughing)

Sarah: (laughing) "Brian, what the hell are you up to?"

Brian: (laughing) "Just answer his questions honestly, okay? Be completely honest."

DJ: "Yeah yeah yeah. Sure. Now, I will ask you 3 questions, Sarah. If your answers match Brian's answers, then the both of you will be off to the Gold Coast for 5 days on us.

Sarah: (laughing) "Yes."

DJ: "Alright. When did you last have sex, Sarah?"

Sarah: "Oh God, Brian....uh, this morning before Brian went to work."

DJ: "What time?"

Sarah: "Around 8 this morning."

DJ: "Very good. Next question. How long did it last?"

Sarah: "12, 15 minutes maybe."

DJ: "Hmmmm. That's close enough. I am sure she is trying to protect is manhood. We've got one last question, Sarah. You are one question away from a trip to the Gold Coast. Are you ready?"

Sarah: (laughing) "Yes."

DJ: "Where did you have it?"

Sarah: "OH MY GOD, BRIAN!! You didn't tell them that did you?"

Brian: "Just tell him, honey."

DJ: "What is bothering you so much, Sarah?"

Sarah: "Well..."

DJ: Come on Sarah.....where did you have it?

Sarah: "Up the a**e....."

They had to call an ambulance for the DJ he thought he was going to have a heart attack, he could not stop laughing.

Apparently there was an unusually high call out of the Sydney Police just after this conversation, for minor traffic collisions.


LSemmens - 8-9-2015 at 12:21

The elderly priest, speaking to the younger priest,
said, 'You had a good idea to replace the first four
pews with plush bucket theatre seats. It worked like
a charm. The front of the church always fills first
now.'

The young priest nodded, and the old priest
continued, 'And you told me adding a little more
beat to the music would bring young people back
to church, so I supported you when you brought in
that Rock 'n Roll Gospel Choir. Now our services
are consistently packed to the balcony.'

'Thank you, Father,' answered the young priest. 'I
am pleased that you are open to the New Ideas of
Youth.'

'All of these ideas have been well and good,' said
the elderly priest, 'But I'm afraid you've gone too
far with the Drive-thru Confessional.'

'But Father,' protested the young priest, 'my
confessions and the donations have nearly doubled
since I began that!'

'Yes,' replied the elderly priest, 'and I appreciate
that.... But the flashing neon sign, 'Toot 'n Tell or
Go to Hell' cannot stay on the church roof.*


marymary100 - 10-9-2015 at 06:16

A woman heard her husband come home when she was in bed with her lover. "Hurry!" she said. "Stand in the corner." She quickly rubbed baby oil all over him and then she dusted him with talcum powder. "Don't move until I tell you to," she whispered. "Just pretend you're a statue."
"What's this, honey?" the husband inquired as he entered the room.
"Oh, it's just a statue," she replied nonchalantly. "The Smiths bought one for their bedroom. I liked it so much, I got one for us, too."
No more was said about the statue, not even later that night when they went to sleep.
Around two in the morning the husband got out of bed, went to the kitchen and returned a while later with a sandwich and a glass of milk.
"Here," he said to the 'statue'. "Eat something. I stood like an idiot at the Smiths' for three days and nobody offered me as much as a glass of water."


marymary100 - 10-9-2015 at 21:54

The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent events in Syria and have therefore raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross." The English have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies nearly ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorised from "Tiresome" to "A Bloody Nuisance." The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was in 1588, when threatened by the Spanish Armada.

The Scots have raised their threat level from "Pissed Off" to "Let's get the b******s." They don't have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years.

The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide." The only two higher levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France 's white flag factory, effectively paralysing the country's military capability.

Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout Loudly and Excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."

The Germans have increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbour" and "Lose."

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual; the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels ..

The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.

Australia, meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries" to "She'll be right, Mate." Two more escalation levels remain: "Crikey! I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend!" and "The barbie is cancelled." So far no situation has ever warranted use of the last final escalation level.


LSemmens - 11-9-2015 at 04:15

That's a perennial favourite, mary. :)


marymary100 - 16-9-2015 at 16:46

and ends up standing in front of the pearly gates. Saint Peter looks at him for a second, flicks through his book, and finds his name.
"So, you're a politician..." "Well, yes, is that a problem?" "Oh no, no problem. But we've recently adopted a new system for people in your line of work, and unfortunately you will have to spend a day in Hell. After that however, you're free to choose where you want to spend eternity!"
"Wait, I have to spend a day in Hell??" says the politician. "Them's the rules" Says St Peter, clicks his fingers, and WOOMPH, the guy dissapears... And awakes, curled up with his hands over his eyes, knowing he's in Hell. Cautiously, he listens for the screams, sniffs the air for brimstone, and finds... Nothing. Just the smell of, is that fabric softener? And cut grass, this can't be right?
"Open your eyes!" says a voice. "C'mon, wakey wakey, we've only got 24 hours!". Nervously, he uncovers his eyes, looks around, and sees he's in a hotel room. A nice one too. Wait, this is a penthouse suite... And there's a smiling man in a suit, holding a martini. "Who are you??" The politician asks. "Well, I'm Satan!" says the man, handing him the drink and helping him to his feet. "Welcome to Hell!" "Wait, this is Hell? But... Where's all the pain and suffering?" he asks. Satan throws him a wink. "Oh, we've been a bit mis-represented over the years, it's a long story. Anyway, this is your room! The minibar is of course free, as is the room service, there's extra towels next to the hot-tub, and if you need anything, just call reception. But enough of this! It's a beautiful day, and if you'd care to look outside..." Slightly stunned by the opulent surroundings, the man wanders over to the floor-to-ceiling windows through which the sun is glowing, looks far down, and sees a group of people cheering and waving at him from a golf course. "It's one of 5 pro-level courses on site, and there's another 6 just a few minutes drive out past the beach and harbour!" says Satan, answering his unasked question. So they head down in the lift, walk out through the glittering lobby where everyone waves and welcomes the man, as Satan signs autographs and cherrily talks shop with the laughing staff. And as he walks out, he sees the group on the golf course are made up of every one of his old friends, people he's admired for years but never met or worked with, and people whose work he's admired but died long before his career started. And out of the middle of this group walks his wife, with a massive smile and the body she had when she was 20, who throws her arms around him and plants a delicate kiss on his cheek. Everyone cheers and applauds, and as they slap him on the back and trade jokes, his worst enemy arrives, as a 2 foot tall goblin-esque caddy. He spends the day in the bright sunshine on the course, having the time of his life laughing at jokes and carrying important discussions, putting the world to rights with his friends while holding his delighted wife next to him as she gazes lovingly at him. Later, they return to the hotel for dinner and have an enormous meal, perfectly cooked, which descends into a food-fight when someone accidentally throws a bread roll at the next table (where Ghandi is having a game of truth-or-dare with Marylin Monroe). As everyone is falling about laughing and flinging breadsticks at each other, his wife whispers in his ear... And they return to their penthouse suite, and spend the rest of the night making love like they did on their honeymoon. After 6 hours of intense passion, the man falls deep into the 100% Egyptian cotton pillows, and falls into a deep and happy sleep... And is woken up by St Peter. "So, that was Hell. Wasn't what you were expecting, I bet?" "No sir!" says the man. "So then" says St Peter "you can make your choice. It's Hell, which you saw, or Heaven, which has choral singing, talking to God, white robes, and so on". "Well... I know this sounds strange, but on balance, I think I'd prefer Hell" says the politician. "Not a problem, we totally understand! Enjoy!" Says St Peter, and clicks his fingers again.
The man wakes up in total darkness, the stench of ammonia filling the air and distant screams the only noise. As he adjusts, he can see the only light is from belches of flame far away, illuminating the ragged remains of people being tortured or burning in a sulphurous ocean. A sudden bolt of lightning reveals Satan next to him, wearing the same suit as before and grinning, holding a soldering iron in one hand and a coil of razor-wire in the other. "What's this??" He cries. "Where's the hotel?? Where's my wife??? Where's the minibar, the golf-courses, the pool, the restaurant, the free drinks and the sunshine???"
"Ah", says Satan. "You see, yesterday, we were campaigning. But today, you voted..."


marymary100 - 1-10-2015 at 19:26

Pope Francis


LSemmens - 2-10-2015 at 02:40

I like it Mary. It's something that the current pope might actually do. He is a breath of fresh air for the Catholic Church.


LSemmens - 20-10-2015 at 14:19

After retiring, a former Gunnery Sergeant in the Marine Corps took a new job a s a high school teacher.

Just before the school year started, he injured his back.

He was required to wear a light plaster cast around the upper part of his body.
Fortunately, the cast fit under his shirt and wasn't noticeable when he wore his suit coat

On the first day of class, he found himself assigned to the toughest students in the school.

The smart-aleck punks, having already heard the new teacher was a former Marine, were leery of him and he knew they would be testing his discipline in the classroom.

Walking confidently into the rowdy classroom, the new teacher opened the window wide and sat down at his desk.

When a strong breeze made his tie flap, he picked up a stapler and stapled the tie to his chest.

Dead silence ... The rest of the year went smoothly.


marymary100 - 25-10-2015 at 20:14

NSFW




































In a crowded city at a busy bus stop, a woman who was waiting for a bus was wearing a tight leather skirt. As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus.
Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg. Again, she tried to make the step only to discover she still couldn't.
So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more. For the second time she attempted the step, and once again, much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg. With a little smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip a little more and again was unable to make the step.
About this time, a large Texan who was standing behind her picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus. She went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and screeched, "How dare you touch my body! I don't even know who you are!' The Texan smiled and drawled, "Well, ma'am, normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured we are friends."


LSemmens - 26-10-2015 at 01:05

[img]null[/img]


victor - 26-10-2015 at 18:29

I definitely will not be passing that on to my son in NZ. :D


LSemmens - 29-10-2015 at 09:01

David Beckham gets into a taxi, "Heathrow please driver."

After a few minutes Becks spots the driver giving him a few looks in the mirror.

This happens continuously until they approach the airport when the drivers says, "Come on mate, give us a clue?"

Beckham replies, "I had a great career at Man United, Real Madrid and LA Galaxy and over 100 England caps."

The driver says, "No, you thick t***, which terminal?"


LSemmens - 9-11-2015 at 07:12

Wiremu,a New Zealander, was in England to watch the upcoming Rugby World Cup and was not feeling well, so he decided to see a doctor . "Hey doc,I don't feel so good,ey" said Wiremu.


The doctor gave him a thorough examination and informed Wiremu that he had long existing and advanced prostate problems and that the only cure was testicular removal.


"No way doc" replied Wiremu "I'm gitting a sicond opinion ey! " The second English doctor gave Wiremu the same diagnosis and also advised him that testicular removal was the only cure.


Not surprisingly ,Wiremu refused the treatment. Wiremu was devastated, but with the Rugby World Cup just around the corner he found an expat Kiwi doctor and decided to get one last opinion from someone he could trust.


The Kiwi doctor examined him and said: "Wiremu Cuzzy Bro, you huv prostate suckness ey "
" What's the cure thin doc?" asked Wiremu hoping for a different answer .
" Well, Wiremu, said the Kiwi doctor " Wi're gpnna huv to cut off your balls."
" Phew,thunk god for thut!" said Wiremu. " those Pommie b******s wanted to take my test tickets off me!"
__________________


victor - 9-11-2015 at 13:44

:D


waffler - 9-11-2015 at 18:27

That's a good un :D


the bear - 9-11-2015 at 22:49

Quote:
Originally posted by LSemmens
Wiremu,a New Zealander, was in England to watch the upcoming Rugby World Cup and was not feeling well, so he decided to see a doctor . "Hey doc,I don't feel so good,ey" said Wiremu.


The doctor gave him a thorough examination and informed Wiremu that he had long existing and advanced prostate problems and that the only cure was testicular removal.


"No way doc" replied Wiremu "I'm gitting a sicond opinion ey! " The second English doctor gave Wiremu the same diagnosis and also advised him that testicular removal was the only cure.


Not surprisingly ,Wiremu refused the treatment. Wiremu was devastated, but with the Rugby World Cup just around the corner he found an expat Kiwi doctor and decided to get one last opinion from someone he could trust.


The Kiwi doctor examined him and said: "Wiremu Cuzzy Bro, you huv prostate suckness ey "
" What's the cure thin doc?" asked Wiremu hoping for a different answer .
" Well, Wiremu, said the Kiwi doctor " Wi're gpnna huv to cut off your balls."
" Phew,thunk god for thut!" said Wiremu. " those Pommie b******s wanted to take my test tickets off me!"
__________________



Thats rather racist smokin:


Regards the Bear waveysmiley


LSemmens - 10-11-2015 at 01:15

Against whom? Those Pommie Bastwards? Surely you don't mean the Kiwis?


the bear - 11-11-2015 at 01:28

Quote:
Originally posted by LSemmens
Against whom? Those Pommie Bastwards? Surely you don't mean the Kiwis?



It impinges on the delicate sensibilities of Rugby players :D


Best regards the Bear waveysmiley


LSemmens - 11-11-2015 at 01:40

I could understand the Pommie rugby players might be a little delicate, but not the Aussies and the Kiwis! ;)


LSemmens - 13-11-2015 at 03:04

When everybody on earth was dead and waiting to enter Heaven, God appeared and said, " I want the men to make two lines:



One line for the men who were true heads of their household, and the other line for the men who were dominated by their women.



I want all the women to report to St. Peter ".


Soon, the women were gone, and there were two lines of men.



The line of the men who were dominated by their wives was 100 miles long, and in the line of men who truly were heads of their household, there was only one man.


God said to the long line, " You men should be ashamed of yourselves; I created you to be the head of your household!



You have been disobedient and have not fulfilled your purpose!



Of all of you, only one obeyed. Learn from him."


God turned to the one man,



"How did you manage to be the only one in this line?"


The man replied,



"My wife told me to stand here."


LSemmens - 13-11-2015 at 03:08

A HOODED ROBBER BURST INTO A WISCONSIN BANK AND FORCED THE TELLERS TO LOAD A SACK FULL OF CASH.

ON HIS WAY OUT THE DOOR, A BRAVE MINNESOTA CUSTOMER GRABBED THE HOOD AND PULLED IT OFF, REVEALING THE ROBBER'S FACE. THE ROBBER SHOT THE CUSTOMER WITHOUT A MOMENT HESITATION. HE THEN LOOKED AROUND THE BANK AND NOTICED ONE OF THE TELLERS LOOKING STRAIGHT AT HIM. THE ROBBER INSTANTLY SHOT HIM ALSO.

EVERYONE IN THE BANK, BY NOW VERY SCARED, LOOKED INTENTLY DOWN AT THE FLOOR IN SILENCE. THE ROBBER YELLED,
"WELL, DID ANYONE ELSE SEE MY FACE?"

THERE ARE A FEW MOMENTS OF UTTER SILENCE IN WHICH EVERYONE WAS PLAINLY TOO AFRAID TO SPEAK THEN, ONE OLD NORWEGIAN NAMED OLE' FROM MINNESOTA TENTATIVELY RAISED HIS HAND AND SAID,
"MY WIFE GOT A PRETTY GOOD LOOK AT YOU"


marymary100 - 13-11-2015 at 16:52

Why did Star Wars come out in a 4-5-6,1-2-3 sequence?


Because in charge of sequence, Yoda was.


marymary100 - 17-11-2015 at 17:50

My daughter begged me to take a spider out instead of killing it.

We went and had drinks. Cool guy, wants to be a web designer.


LSemmens - 20-11-2015 at 02:03

Not Family Friendly


The big game hunter walked in the bar and bragged to everyone about his hunting skills. The man was undoubtedly a good shot and no one could dispute that. But then he said that they could blindfold him and he would recognize any animal's skin from its feel, and if he could locate the bullet hole he would even tell them what calibre the bullet was that killed the animal.

The hunter said that he was willing to prove it if they would put up the drinks, and so the bet was on. They blindfolded him carefully and took him to his first animal skin. After feeling it for a few moments, he announced "Bear." Then he felt the bullet hole and declared, "Shot with a .308 rifle." He was right.

They brought him another skin, one that someone had in their car trunk. He took a bit longer this time and then said, "Elk, Shot with a 7mm Mag rifle. He was right again.

Through the night, he proved his skills again and again, every time against a round of drinks. Finally he staggered home, drunk out of his mind, and went to sleep. The next morning he got up and saw in the mirror that he had one hell of a shiner. He asked his wife, "I know I was drunk last night, but not drunk enough to get in a fight and not remember it. Where did I get this blackeye?"

His wife angrily replied, "I gave it to you. You got into bed and put your hand down my panties. Then you fiddled around a bit and loudly announced, "Skunk, killed with an axe."


the bear - 20-11-2015 at 08:13

lips_sealed


Regards the Bear waveysmiley


marymary100 - 27-11-2015 at 22:47

Why did Tofu cross the road?



To prove it wasn't chicken...


victor - 28-11-2015 at 14:16

Alaskan white bear found with cameras protruding from its backside, local vet says they are possibly polaroids.


LSemmens - 2-12-2015 at 08:34

The doctor told her to strip


waffler - 2-12-2015 at 18:25

Previous Joke Next Joke
My True Love Gave to Me...

Dearest Dave,

I went to the door today, and the postman delivered a partridge in a pear tree. This was a delightful gift! I couldn't have been more surprised or pleased darling!

With truly the deepest love,
Agnes

December 15, 2003

Dearest Dave,

Today the postman brought me yet another of your sweet gifts. The two turtule doves that arrived today are adorable, and I'm delighted by your thoughtful and generous ways.

With all of my love,
Your Agnes

December 16, 2003

Dearest Dave,

You've truly been too kind! I must protest; I don't deserve such generosity. The thought of getting three French hens amazes me. Yet, I am not surprised--what more should I expect from such a nice person.

Love,
Agnes

December 17, 2003

Dear Dave,

Four calling birds arrived in the mail today. They are truly nice but don't you think that enough is enough? You are being too romantic.

Affectionately,
Agnes

December 18, 2003

Dearest darling Dave,

It was a surprise to get five golden rings! I now have one for every finger. You truly are impossible darling, yet oh how I love it! Quite frankly, all of those squarking birds from the previous days were starting to get on my nerves. Yet, you managed to come through with a beautiful valuable gift!

All my love,
Agnes

December 19, 2003

Dear Dave,

When I opened my door, there were actually six geese a-laying on my front steps. So you're back to the birds again, huh? Those geese are dear, but where will I keep them? The neighbors are complaining, and I am unable to sleep with all the racket. Please stop dear.

Cordially,
Agnes

December 20, 2003

Dave,

What is with you and those stupid birds!? Seven swans a-swimming!! What kind of sick joke is this!!?? There are bird droppings everywhere! They never shut up, and I don't get any sleep!!! I'm a nervous wreck! It's not funny you weirdo, so stop with the birds.

Sincerely,
Agnes

December 21, 2003

O.K. wise guy,

The birds were bad enough. Now what do you expect me to do with eight maids a-milking? If that's not bad enough, they had to bring their cows!! The front lawn was completely ruined by them, and I can't move in my own house! Just lay off me or you'll be sorry!

Agnes

December 22, 2003

Hey loser,

What are you? You must be some kind of sadist!! Now there are nine pipers playing, and they certainly do play! They haven't stopped chasing those maids since they got here! The cows are getting upset, and they're stepping all over those screeching birds. The neighbors are getting up a petition to evict me, and I'm going out of my mind!

You'll get yours!
Agnes

December 23, 2003

You rotten scum!!!

There are now ten ladies dancing! There is only one problem with that! They're dancing twenty-four hours a day all around me with the pipers upsetting the cows and the maids. The cows can't sleep, and they are going to the bathroom everywhere! The building commissioner has subpoenaed me to give cause as to why the house shouldn't be condemned! I can't even think of a reason! You creep! I'm sicking the police on you!

One who means it!

December 24, 2003

Listen you evil, sadistic, maniac!

What's with the eleven lords-a-leaping?!? They are leaping across the rooms breaking everything and even injuring some of the maids! The place smells, is an absolute mad house, and is about to be condemned! At least the birds are quiet; they were trampled to death by the cows. I hope you are satisfied--you rotten vicious worthless piece of garbage!

Your sworn enemy,
Agnes

December 25, 2003

The Law Offices of
Badger, Rees, and Yorker
20 Knave Street
Chicago, Illinois

Dear sir,

This is to acknowledge your latest gift of twelve fiddlers-fiddling which you have seen fit to inflict on our client, one Agnes Mcholstein. The destruction of course was total. If you attempt to reach Ms. Mcholstein at Happy Daze Sanatarium, the attendants have instructions to shoot you on site.

Please direct all correspondence to this office in the future. With this letter, please find attached a warrant for your arrest.

Cordially,
Badger, Rees, and Yorker


waffler - 2-12-2015 at 18:55

A Microsoft Christmas

Christmas Present
NORTH POLE (API) - MICROSOFT announced an agreement with Santa Claus Industries to acquire Christmas at a press conference held via satellite from Santa's summer estate somewhere in the southern hemisphere. In the deal, Microsoft would gain exclusive rights to Christmas, Reindeer, and other unspecified inventions. In addition, Microsoft will gain access to millions of households through the Santa Sleigh.

The announcement also included a notice that beginning Dec 9, 1998, Christmas and the Reindeer names would be copyrighted by Microsoft. This unprecedented move was facilitated by the recently acquired MS Court. Microsoft stated its commitment to "all who have made Christmas great," and vowed to "make licensing of the Christmas and Reindeer names available to all." It is believed that the guidelines for licensing these names, due before Halloween, will be very strict.

When asked "Why buy Christmas?" Bill Gates replied "Microsoft has been working on a more efficient delivery mechanism for all of our products for some time, but recognized that the Santa Sleigh has some immediate benefits. We'll use it first for the next release of Windows and Office 98."

In a multimedia extravaganza, the attendees were shown a seemingly endless video stream of products that make up the deal. It ended with a green and red version of the Microsoft logo, and a new Christmas 98 trademark, leading into the announcement of the first product from the deal.

Vixen, the new Director of Holidays and Celebrations said, "The first step is to assimilate Christmas within the Microsoft Organization. This will take some time, so don't expect any changes this year." She continued, "our big plans are for next year, when we release Christmas 99. It will be bigger and better than last year." She further elaborated that "Windows 95 users who sign up with MS Network will get sneak previews of Christmas[99] as early as November first."

Christmas 98 is scheduled for release in December of 1998, though one unnamed source said that it is dangerously close to the end of the year and may slip into the first half of 1999. An economist at Goldman Sachs explained that a slip would be catastrophic to next year's economy and the nation's tax revenue, possibly requiring the IRS to move the deadline for filing income tax returns to three months after Christmas, whenever that was. "But it could be good in the long term," he explained. "With Microsoft controlling Christmas, we may see it move to May or June, which are much slower months for retailers. This may serve to even out the economy over the year."

When asked if other holidays are being considered, Mr. Gates explained that "Christmas is the flagship of holidays, so we wanted to start there. Not all holidays are available for sale, and the remaining will have to show a good long-term business," suggesting that holidays with a short history may not be in the plans.

Though specific terms of the agreement were withheld, a Santa official confirmed that the deal was "sizeable, even for a man of Santa's stature."

Some analysts think that Santa has saturated the Holiday market, and is looking for a means to expand his business to year 'round products and services. Others contend that the Jolly Red Man is looking to retire in Redmond.

A spokesperson for the most famous Reindeer could not be reached for comment.


marymary100 - 6-12-2015 at 22:47

Christianity mumbling to ceilings

Judaism mumbling to walls

Islam mumbling to floors

Mormonism mumbling to doors

Hinduism mumbling to cows

Buddhism mumbling to the self

Atheism mumbling to theists


marymary100 - 7-12-2015 at 19:35

Want to hear a racist joke?















Donald Trump








Altogether now, we shall overcomb, we shall overcomb, we shall overcomb some day....


LSemmens - 8-12-2015 at 09:49

TWO PRAWNS
Far away in the tropical waters of the Coral Sea , two prawns were swimming around.
One called Justin and the other called Christian.
The prawns were constantly being harassed and threatened by sharks that inhabited the area.
Finally one day Justin said to Christian, 'I'm fed up with being a prawn;
I wish I was a shark, and then I wouldn't have any worries about being eaten.'
A large mysterious cod appeared and said, 'Your wish is granted'
Lo and behold, Justin turned into a shark.
Horrified, Christian immediately swam away, afraid of being eaten by his old mate.
Time passed (as it does) and Justin found life as a shark boring and lonely.
All his old mates simply swam away whenever he came close to them.
Justin began to realize that his new menacing appearance was the cause of his sad plight.
While swimming alone one day he saw the mysterious cod again and he thought perhaps the mysterious fish could change him back into a prawn.
He approached the cod and begged to be changed back, and, lo and behold, he found himself turned back into a prawn.
With tears of joy in his tiny little eyes Justin swam back to his friends and bought them all a cocktail.
Looking around the gathering at the reef he realized he couldn't see his old pal.
'Where's Christian?' he asked.
'He's at home, still distraught that his best friend changed sides to the enemy & became a shark', came the reply.
Eager to put things right again and end the mutual pain and torture, he set off to Christian's abode.
As he opened the coral gate, memories came flooding back.
He banged on the door and shouted, 'It's me, Justin, your old friend, come out and see me again.'
Christian replied, 'No way man, you'll eat me. You're now a shark, the enemy, and I'll not be tricked into being your dinner.'
Justin cried back 'No, I'm not. That was the old me. I've changed.'.........













'I've found Cod.
I'm a Prawn again Christian'


marymary100 - 8-12-2015 at 21:09

:)


LSemmens - 18-12-2015 at 13:41

Not PC
South African Dutchman Van der Merwe had never before been out of South Africa. While on holiday in Australia he decided to spend an afternoon visiting Bondi Beach.

As he sat on the beach looking out to sea he saw a long line of black
Dots out in the water and said to an Aussie, who was sitting close by,
"What are all those little black things out there?"
"They're buoys," said the Aussie.

"Boys?!" replied Van der Merwe. "What are they doing out there?"

"Holding up the shark net," the Aussie told him.

"Fockin great country!" said Van der Merwe, deeply impressed,
"We'd never get away with that at home!


marymary100 - 19-12-2015 at 10:58

A young couple, just married, were in their honeymoon suite on their wedding night. As they were undressing for bed, the husband, who was a big, burly man, tossed his pants to the bride and said, "Here, put these on."
She put them on, but they were way too big.
"I can't wear your pants," she said.
"That's right," said the husband, "and don't you ever forget it. I'm the man who wears the pants in this family."
With that, she flipped him her panties and said, "Try these on."
He tried them on, and they were way too small.
"Hell," he said, "I can't get into your panties."
She replied, "That's right, and it's going to be that way till your attitude changes."


Quaver - 19-12-2015 at 11:42

Quote:
Originally posted by marymary100
"I can't get into your panties."
She replied, "That's right, and it's going to be that way till your attitude changes."

laughy_smilie


waffler - 19-12-2015 at 19:00

Some Musical Christmas Advice


Make out your Chopin Liszt early before Debussy season, when you have time to check out Verdi good bargains are, can still get gifts Faure good price, not have to Handel large crowds and have time to give Bach things you decide you don't want.


marymary100 - 21-12-2015 at 23:01

Toilet humour


marymary100 - 3-1-2016 at 18:13

What do you get if you cross the Motorway with a fridge?




























Killed








How does the moon cut his hair?





















'Eclipse it.





What do you call a patronising criminal going downstairs?



A condescending con descending...


Quaver - 4-1-2016 at 11:47

Quote:
Originally posted by marymary100
Toilet humour

Took me few seconds to get it:D


marymary100 - 15-1-2016 at 23:42

At a winery, the regular taster died and the director started looking for a new one to hire. A drunkard with a ragged, dirty look came in to apply for the position. The director of the winery wondered how to send him away. He gave him a glass to drink. The drunk tried it and said, “It's a Muscat, three years old, grown on a north slope, matured in steel containers. Low grade, but acceptable.” "That's correct", said the boss. Another glass... “This is a Cabernet, eight years old, a south-western slope, oak barrels, matured at 8 degrees. Requires three more years for finest results.” "Correct." A third glass... "It's a Pinot Blanc Champagne, high grade and exclusive,'' the drunk said calmly. The director was astonished. He winked at his secretary, secretly suggesting something. She left the room, and came back in with a glass of urine. The alcoholic tried it. "It's a blonde, 26 years old, three months pregnant and if I don't get the job I'll name the father."


Quaver - 16-1-2016 at 11:43

laughy_smilie


LSemmens - 18-1-2016 at 00:23

Very good, mary.


marymary100 - 18-1-2016 at 18:43

http://i.imgur.com/vW7z3ef.jpg


Quaver - 18-1-2016 at 22:32

:o


LSemmens - 19-1-2016 at 00:54

Is that Welsh, Mary? :D


LSemmens - 20-1-2016 at 02:48

An Irish Miracle

Murphy drops some buttered toast on the kitchen floor and it lands butter-side-up.

He looks down in astonishment, for he knows that it's a law of nature of the universe that buttered toast always falls butter-down.

So he rushes round to the presbytery to fetch Father Flanagan.

He tells the priest that a miracle has occurred in his kitchen.

But he won't say what it is, so he asks Fr. Flanagan to come and see it with his own eyes.

He leads Fr.Flanagan into the kitchen and asks him what he sees on the floor.

"Well," says the priest, "it's pretty obvious. Someone has dropped some buttered toast on the floor and then, for some reason, they flipped it over so that the butter was on top."

"No, Father, I dropped it and it landed like that!" exclaimed Murphy

"Oh my Lord," says Fr. Flanagan, "dropped toast never falls with the butter side up. It's a mir....

Wait... it's not for me to say it's a miracle. I'll have to report this matter to the Bishop and he'll have to deal with it. He'll send some people round; to interview you, take photos, etc."

A thorough investigation is conducted, not only by the archdiocese but by scientists sent over from the Curia in Rome . No expense is spared. There is great excitement in the town as everyone knows that a miracle will bring in much need tourism revenue.

Then, after 8 long weeks and with great fanfare, the Bishop announces the final ruling.

"It is certain that some kind of an extraordinary event took place in Murphy's kitchen, quite outside the natural laws of the universe. Yet the Holy See must be very cautious before ruling a miracle. All other explanations must be ruled out.

Unfortunately, in this case, it has been declared 'No Miracle' because they think that Murphy may have buttered the toast on the wrong side!"


LSemmens - 1-2-2016 at 01:28

Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end.

He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there. Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled him out. When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable.

When she went to tell Edna the news she said, 'Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged, since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of the person you love.... I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness.
The bad news is, Ralph hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead.'
Edna replied, 'He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry.
How soon can I go home?'


LSemmens - 8-2-2016 at 10:13

A TRUE STORY?

Airborne approximately thirty minutes on an outbound evening Air Lingus flight from Dublin,the lead flight attendant for the cabin crew in her lovely Irish brogue, nervously made the following painful announcement..:

"Ladies and gentlemen, I'm so very sorry but it appears that there has been a terrible mix-up -- one minute prior to take-off by our airport catering service...

I don't know how this has happened but we have 103 passengers on board, and unfortunately, only 40 dinner meals...I truly apologize for this mistake and inconvenience."

When passengers' muttering had died down, she continued.. , "Anyone who is kind enough to give up their meal so that someone else can eat will receive free, unlimited drinks for the duration of our 5 hour flight."

Her next announcement came four hours later...

"If anyone would like to change their minds, we still have 40 dinners available."

GOD BLESSES THE IRISH!


LSemmens - 11-2-2016 at 03:52

Harley Biker!!!


A Harley Biker is riding by the zoo in Washington, DC when he sees a little girl leaning into the lion's cage. Suddenly,
the lion grabs her by the collar of her jacket and tries to pull her inside to slaughter her, under the eyes of her
screaming parents.

The biker jumps off his Harley, runs to the cage and hits the lion square on the nose with a powerful punch.

Whimpering from the pain the lion jumps back letting go of the girl, and the biker brings the girl to her terrified
parents, who thank him endlessly. A reporter has watched the whole event.

The reporter addressing the Harley rider says, 'Sir, this was the most gallant and bravest thing I've seen a man do
in my whole life.'

The Harley rider replies, 'Why, it was nothing, really. The lion was behind bars. I just saw this little kid in danger, and
acted as I felt right.'

The reporter says, 'Well, I'll make sure this won't go unnoticed. I'm a journalist, you know, and tomorrow's paper will
have this story on the front page. So, what do you do for a living, and what political affiliation do you have?'

The biker replies "I'm a U.S. Marine, and a Republican."

The journalist leaves.

The following morning the biker buys the paper to see if it indeed brings news of his actions, and reads, on the front page:

U.S. MARINE ASSAULTS AFRICAN IMMIGRANT AND STEALS HIS LUNCH!!!


...... and THAT pretty much sums up the media's approach to the news these days


LSemmens - 11-2-2016 at 03:53

Living Will


I, ____________, being of sound mind and body, do not wish to be kept alive indefinitely by artificial means. Under no circumstances should my fate be put in the hands of pinhead partisan politicians who couldn't pass ninth-grade biology if their lives depended on it, or lawyers/doctors/hospitals interested in simply running up the bills.

If a reasonable amount of time passes, and I fail to ask for: (Check appropriate items)

______a Martini _____a Margarita ____ a Bourbon______ a Bloody Mary ______a Rum and Tonic
_______a Glass of Chardonnay______a Steak ______Lobster or crab legs _____the remote control
_____a bowl of ice cream ______the crossword page______ Sex ______Chocolate

it should be presumed that I won't ever get any better. When such a determination is reached, I hereby instruct my appointed person and attending physicians to pull the plug, reel in the tubes, and call it a
day. At this point, it is time to call the New Orleans Jazz Funeral Band to come
to ____________________ and do their thing at my memorial and ash-spreading and ask all of my friends to raise their glasses to toast the good times we have had and will have in memories to come.

Signature: __________________________ Date: __________


P.S. I also hear that in Ireland they have a Nursing Home with a Pub. The patients are happier, and they have a lot more visitors. Some of them don't even need embalming when their time comes.


marymary100 - 11-2-2016 at 07:12

:D


marymary100 - 21-2-2016 at 08:53

I heard Trump wants to ban shredded cheese.

He wants to make America grate again.


marymary100 - 29-2-2016 at 18:36

What do Donald Trump and a gold Sharpie have in common?

They both give the appearance of wealth but are basically just a cheap tool...

youtu.be/TGc2nN9OguQ


LSemmens - 1-3-2016 at 08:15

A man brings his best friend home for dinner unannounced after work.

His wife begins screaming at him and his friend just sits and listens in.

"My hair & makeup are not done, the house is a mess, the dishes are not done, I'm still in my pyjamas and I can't be bothered with cooking tonight! What the hell did you bring him home for?"

Husband: "Because he's thinking of getting married!"


LSemmens - 18-3-2016 at 01:05

ACTUAL AUSTRALIAN COURT DOCKET 12659 ---

A lady, about 8 months pregnant, got on a bus and sat down.
She then noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her.

She immediately moved to another seat.
This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again.
The man seemed more amused.

When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing,
She complained to the driver and he had the man arrested.

The case came up in court.

The judge asked the man (about 20 years old)
What he had to say for himself.


The man replied,
'Well your Honour, it was like this:
When the lady got on the bus,
I couldn't help but notice her condition.

She sat down under a sign that said,
'The Double Mint Twins are coming' and I grinned.

Then she moved and sat under a sign that said,
'Logan's Liniment will reduce the swelling and I had to smile.

Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said,
'William's Big Stick Did the Trick,' and I could hardly contain myself.

But, Your Honor, when she moved the fourth time
And sat under a sign that said,
'Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident!'

... I just lost it.'


'CASE DISMISSED!!'


the bear - 18-3-2016 at 05:52

Quote:
Originally posted by LSemmens
ACTUAL AUSTRALIAN COURT DOCKET 12659 ---

A lady, about 8 months pregnant, got on a bus and sat down.
She then noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her.

She immediately moved to another seat.
This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again.
The man seemed more amused.

When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing,
She complained to the driver and he had the man arrested.

The case came up in court.

The judge asked the man (about 20 years old)
What he had to say for himself.


The man replied,
'Well your Honour, it was like this:
When the lady got on the bus,
I couldn't help but notice her condition.

She sat down under a sign that said,
'The Double Mint Twins are coming' and I grinned.

Then she moved and sat under a sign that said,
'Logan's Liniment will reduce the swelling and I had to smile.

Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said,
'William's Big Stick Did the Trick,' and I could hardly contain myself.

But, Your Honor, when she moved the fourth time
And sat under a sign that said,
'Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident!'

... I just lost it.'


'CASE DISMISSED!!'



:clap):clap):clap)


Regards the Bear


marymary100 - 18-3-2016 at 07:00

An Irishman walked out of a bar -










It could happen!


LSemmens - 18-3-2016 at 09:48

Quote:
Originally posted by marymary100
An Irishman walked out of a bar -










It could happen!


Just like an Ozzie walking out of a bar.......













however improbable.


marymary100 - 6-4-2016 at 12:52

My boyfriend's neighbours just had a baby. The husband came outside to say hi. He said his wife was out to dinner with her friends so he was watching The Martian. Thinking that was a cute nickname for a newborn I said "it's okay, all babies come out like that".

He meant the movie.


LSemmens - 10-4-2016 at 10:22

Police recruit asked what they would do if they had to arrest their own mother.

"Call for Backup" was the reply.:D


LSemmens - 14-4-2016 at 04:22

I challege you to watch this without laughing


marymary100 - 14-4-2016 at 08:25

challenge accepted...


victor - 15-4-2016 at 14:57

I don't get it, please explain.


Theravad - 15-4-2016 at 18:08

Quote:
Originally posted by victor
I don't get it, please explain.


Yeah, sad really as the bloke lost his beer :o


Quaver - 16-4-2016 at 08:51

Shouldn't go to the ATM when drunkwaggyfinger


LSemmens - 16-4-2016 at 12:28

Actually Quaver, I think, the moral is, don't take an open bottle of beer to the ATM while drunk.


Quaver - 16-4-2016 at 12:36

:D


marymary100 - 4-5-2016 at 20:14

.


marymary100 - 18-5-2016 at 06:13

An Englishman, a Frenchman, a ravishing blonde and a homely brunette are on a train as it winds its way through the Alps. Every now and then the train passes through a tunnel, during which time the compartment is plunged into complete darkness. On one such occasion, a ringing slap is heard and as the train passes back into daylight, the Frenchman is rubbing his sore, red cheek.

The brunette thinks 'I bet that dirty Frenchman fondled the blonde and she struck the pervert.'

The blonde thinks 'I bet that filthy Frenchman was looking to grope me in the dark, mistook the dowdy brunette for me and she slapped the beast.'

The Frenchman thinks 'I bet that perfidious Englishman touched up the blonde in the dark and she slapped me by mistake.'

The Englishman thinks 'I can't wait for another tunnel so I can slap that Frenchman again.'


marymary100 - 23-5-2016 at 16:42

One day, Einstein has to give a conference to all the top scientists in the world.

On the way there, he tells his driver, that looks a bit like him, "I'm sick of all these conferences, I always say the same things over and over!"

The drivers agrees, "You're right, as your driver, I attended all of them, and even though I don't know anything about science, I could give the conference in your place."

"That's a great idea!" says Einstein "Lets switch places then!"

So they switch clothes and as soon as they arrive, the driver dressed as Einstein, goes on stage and starts giving the usual speech, while the real Einstein, dressed as the car driver, attends it.

But in the crowd, there was one scientist who wanted to impress everyone and thought of a very difficult question to ask Einstein, hoping he wouldn't be able to respond.

So this guy stands up and interrupts the conference by posing his very difficult question.

The whole room goes silent, holding their breath, waiting for the response.

The driver looks at him, dead in the eyes and says : "Sir, your question is so easy to answer that I'm going to let my driver reply to it for me."


LSemmens - 25-6-2016 at 04:11

Laws Not in Physics ...



  Law of Mechanical Repair -
After your hands become coated with grease,
your nose will begin to itch and you'll have to pee.



 Law of Gravity
- Any tool, nut, bolt, screw, when dropped,
will roll to the least accessible place in the universe.



 Law of Probability
- The probability of being watched is directly
proportional to the stupidity of your act.



 Law of Random Numbers
- If you dial a wrong number,
you never get a busy signal;
someone always answers.



 Law of Variation
- If you change lines (or traffic lanes),
the one you were in will always move
faster than the one you are in now.



 Law of the Bath
- When the body is fully immersed in water,
the telephone will ring.



 Law of Close Encounters
- The probability of meeting someone you know
INCREASES dramatically when you are with
someone you don't want to be seen with.



 Law of the Result
- When you try to prove to someone that
a machine won't work, IT WILL!!!



 Law of Biomechanics
- The severity of the itch is inversely
proportional to the reach.




Law of the Theater & Hockey Arena
- At any event, the people whose seats
are furthest from the aisle, always arrive last.
They are the ones who will leave their seats
several times to go for food, beer,
the toilet and who leave early before the
end of the performance or the game is over.
The folks in the aisle seats that come early,
never move once, have long gangly legs
or big bellies and stay to the bitter end
of the performance.


 Law of the Coffee
- As soon as you sit down to a cup of
hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do
something which will last until the
coffee is cold.



 Murphy's Law of Lockers
- If there are only 2 people in a locker room,
they will have adjacent lockers.



 Law of Physical Surfaces
- The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich
landing face down on a floor are directly
correlated to the newness and cost of the
carpet or rug.



 Law of Logical Argument
- Anything is possible IF you don't know
what you are talking about.



 Law of Physical Appearance
- If the clothes fit, they're ugly.



 Law of Public Speaking
-- A CLOSED MOUTH GATHERS NO FEET!



 Law of Commercial
Marketing Strategy
- As soon as you find a product that
you really like, they will stop making it
OR the store will stop
selling it!



 Law of the Doctors
- If you don't feel well, make an
appointment to go to the doctor,
by the time you get there,
you'll feel better.
But if don't make an appointment
you'll stay sick.


marymary100 - 27-6-2016 at 14:40

So I'm at Morrisons buying a bag of dog food. While in the check-out line, a woman behind me asked if I had a dog. Why else would I be buying dog food, RIGHT??? So on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Dog Food Diet again, and that I probably shouldn't because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in intensive care with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms. I told her that it was essentially a Perfect Diet and all you do is load your pockets with food Nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.) Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off a curb to sniff a poodle's butt and a car hit me. I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard.
Now that you've read this I have to confess, I copied it.

Now copy and share. Make someone else laugh lol!


marymary100 - 8-7-2016 at 19:03

Have you ever tried Beaver curry? It's just like regular curry but a little otter.


Gogglesprog joke


the bear - 8-7-2016 at 19:04

:P


the bear - 10-7-2016 at 03:53

What cat should you never play cards with? A Cheater :D



Regards the Bear smokin:


marymary100 - 10-7-2016 at 09:04

:)


LSemmens - 10-7-2016 at 09:57

Today's Inappropriate Humor
1. I got invited to a party and was told to dress to kill. Apparently a turban, beard, and a backpack wasn't what they had in mind.

2. After a night of drink, drugs and wild sex, John woke up to find himself next to a really ugly woman. That's when he realized he had made it home safely.

3. Seven wheelchair athletes have been banned from the Para-Olympics after they tested positive for WD40.

4. A teenage boy asks his granny: "Have you seen my pills? They were labeled LSD?" Granny replies: " The hell with the pills, did you see the dragons in the kitchen?"

7. I've accidentally swallowed some Scrabble tiles.My next crap could spell disaster.

8. I woke up this morning at 9:00, and could sense something was wrong. I got downstairs and found the wife face down on the kitchen floor, not breathing! I panicked. I didn't know what to do. Then I remembered McDonald's serves breakfast all day.

9. My wife packed my bags, and as I walked out the front door. She screamed: "I wish you a slow and painful death, you b*****d!"
I replied: "Oh, so now you want me to stay!"

10. Bought the wife a hamster skin coat last week. When we went to the fair last night it took me 3 hours to get her off the Ferris wheel.


scholar - 26-7-2016 at 01:48

I like them, Leigh, and will retell some of them. :jester)


scholar - 26-7-2016 at 01:48

There were these two professors arguing over which one had the dumber child.

Each professor thought his was the bigger idiot. The first professor yells "There is no way that your son is dumber. My son has to be THE stupidest kid on Earth."

The second professor says "No way, Jose. My son is the bigger idiot."

The first professor says "Let me prove it to you. Hey Jake! (Jake runs to his father) I don't know if I left myself at the office or not. Would you run there and find out. If I'm there then tell me to come home and eat dinner."

The son says, gleefully, "Sure dad" and runs off.

The second professor not to be outdone says "Oh Yea! Watch this! Hey Sam! Come here! (Sam runs to his father) Here are two pennies. With one penny buy a car and the other buy a microwave."

Sam says "OK." and leaves. The professors keep arguing.

Jay and Sam meet in the street. And they start arguing which one has the dumber father. Jay says, "Well listen. My father told me to find out if he is at the office or not. Well all he had to do was to call the office and find out himself. Two minutes and he would be done. That is stupid if I've ever heard it."

Sam says "Well that is nothing. My dad told me to buy a car with one penny and a microwave with the other. But he didn't tell me which penny was for the car and which one is for the microwave."

From "My Little Sister's Jokes" at Emmetsburg.net


LSemmens - 30-8-2016 at 10:31


LSemmens - 21-11-2016 at 22:56


marymary100 - 21-11-2016 at 23:16

:D


LSemmens - 6-2-2017 at 00:19

The sun was hot already - it was only 8 o'clock
The cocky took off in his Ute, to go and check his stock.
He drove around the paddocks checking wethers, ewes and lambs,
The float valves in the water troughs, the windmills on the dams

He stopped and turned a windmill on to fill a water tank
And saw a ewe down in the dam, a few yards from the bank.
"Typical bloody sheep," he thought, "they've got no common sense,
"They won't go through a gateway but they'll jump a bloody fence."

The ewe was stuck down in the mud, he knew without a doubt
She'd stay there 'til she carked it if he didn't get her out.
But when he reached the water's edge, the startled ewe broke free
And in her haste to get away, began a swimming spree.

He reckoned once her fleece was wet, the weight would drag her down
If he didn't rescue her, the stupid sod would drown.
Her style was unimpressive, her survival chances slim
He saw no other option, he would have to take a swim.

He peeled his shirt and singlet off, his trousers, boots and socks
And as he couldn't stand wet clothes, he also shed his jocks.
He jumped into the water and away that cocky swam
He caught up with her somewhere near the middle of the dam.

The ewe was quite evasive, she kept giving him the slip
He tried to grab her sodden fleece but couldn't get a grip.
At last he got her to the bank and stopped to catch his breath
She showed him little gratitude for saving her from death.

She took off like a Bondi tram around the other side
He swore next time he caught that ewe he'd hang her bloody hide.
Then round and round the dam they ran, although he felt quite puffed
He still thought he could run her down, she must be nearly
stuffed..

The local stock rep came along, to pay a call that day.
He knew this bloke was on his own, his wife had gone away,
He didn't really think he'd get fresh scones for morning tea
But neither was he ready for what he was soon to see.

He rubbed his eyes in disbelief at what came into view
For running down the catchment came this frantic-looking ewe.
And on her heels in hot pursuit and wearing not a stitch
The farmer yelling wildly, "Come back here, you lousy bitch!"

The stock rep didn't hang around, he took off in his car
The cocky's reputation has been damaged near and far
So bear in mind the Work Safe rule when next you check your flocks
Spot the hazard, assess the risk, and always wear your jocks!


LSemmens - 18-5-2017 at 09:36

Chantelle goes to the doctor, and says, "Doctor, I've got a bit of a problem. I'll have to take my clothes off to show you."

The doctor tells her to go behind the screen and disrobe. She does so, and the doctor goes round to see her when she is ready.

"Well, what is it?" he asks.

"It's a bit embarrassing," she replies. "These two green circles have appeared on the inside of my thighs." The doctor examines her and finally admits he has no idea what the cause is.

Then he suddenly asks, "Is your boyfriend a Harley rider by any chance?"

The woman blushes and says, "Well, actually he is, yes"

"Aaaaah, then that's the problem," the doctor says. "Tell him his earrings aren't real gold."


LSemmens - 5-6-2017 at 05:28

♦ I read that 4,153,237 people got married last year. Not to cause trouble but shouldn't that be an even number?

♦ Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool. I gave him a glass of water.


♦ I find it ironic that the colors red, white, and blue stand for freedom until they are flashing behind you.

♦ When wearing a bikini, women reveal 90% of their body... men are so polite they only look at the covered parts.

♦ Relationships are a lot like algebra. Have you ever looked at your X and wondered Y?

♦ America is a country which produces citizens who will cross the ocean to fight for democracy but won't cross the street to vote.

♦ You know that tingly little feeling you get when you like someone? That's your common sense leaving your body.

*Did you know that dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the edge of the pool and throw them fish?

♦ My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We'll just see about that.


♦ I think my neighbor is stalking me as she's been googling my name on her computer. I saw it through my telescope last night.

*Money talks ...but all mine ever says is good-bye.

♦ You're not fat, you're just... easier to see.

♦ If you think nobody cares whether you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.


♦ I can't understand why women are okay that JC Penny has an older women's clothing line named, " Sag Harbor ."

♦ My therapist said that my narcissism causes me to misread social situations. I'm pretty sure she was hitting on me.

♦ My 60 year kindergarten reunion is coming up soon and I'm worried about the 175 pounds I've gained since then.

♦ Denny's has a slogan, "If it's your birthday, the meal is on us." If you're in Denny's on your birthday, your life sucks!

♦ The pharmacist asked me for my birth date again today. I'm pretty sure she's going to get me something.

♦The location of your mailbox shows you how far away from your house you can be in a robe before you start looking like a mental patient.

♦ I think it's pretty cool how Chinese people made a language entirely out of tattoos.

♦ Money can't buy happiness, but it keeps the kids in touch!

♦ The reason Mayberry was so peaceful and quiet was because nobody was married. Andy, Aunt Bea, Barney, Floyd, Howard, Goober, Gomer, Sam, Earnest T Bass, Helen, Thelma Lou, Clara and, of course, Opie were all single. The only married person was Otis, and he stayed drunk.


If you live with Yesterday's regret, worries of Tomorrow, You never can be Thankful for Today! Live each day to the fullest!