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Topic Review
LSemmens

[*] posted on 9-7-2009 at 12:41
I agree, John. A good piece of work, be it poetry, or art, or anything, should evoke a strong response. Hopefully a different one in each participant. On that point, I would like to say. "Extremely Well Done, Nimuae", We want more!
John_Little

[*] posted on 8-7-2009 at 13:36
Well, first of all, I think its refreshing that we have started to actually read and criticise some of the poems.

Secondly, having said that, I still think it works the way it is. And I have been back and read it a few times. Which is another good reason to pick a few holes. It make you look a bit closer.

But I liked the idea of how someone can passively appear but have such dramatic effects. Isn't that often how love at first sight works? You may see someone in a Library choosing a book and be totally bowled over by them like being caught up in the undercurrent of a wave.

But I wouldn't have said all that if others hadn't expressed their view so boldly. So well done Leigh and Victor.
Swish Checkley

[*] posted on 8-7-2009 at 13:14
I love this, particularly the last verse.
delanti

[*] posted on 8-7-2009 at 01:12
I thought it captured the essence of the moment. Love at first sight would be difficult to stop and analyse at the moment so why should the poem be any different.waveysmiley
Mermaid

[*] posted on 4-7-2009 at 01:51
I like it, full of imagery. thank you.

M.
the bear

[*] posted on 2-7-2009 at 20:57
Quote:
Originally posted by Nimuae
Good point, Victor.

I was thinking in terms of the person coming gently but the effects being dramatic. Will have another look at that stanza and see if it can be reworded.


Although important, the correctness of the words (or not) must surely be a matter for the pedants, such emotion can only be transposed to print by feelings from the heart and as such are indelible. Change nothing.


Regards the Bear
Nimuae

[*] posted on 2-7-2009 at 12:46
Quote:
Originally posted by LSemmens
The last stanza tended to indicate that the love was not reciprocated



LOL! It wasn't !
LSemmens

[*] posted on 2-7-2009 at 12:10
The last stanza tended to indicate that the love was not reciprocated hence, my suggestion. Don't abandon it 'cause there is a fantastic poem there. Ha! Sez me, being a critic to the 'critic'! :D (That's meant as a back handed compliment BTW, you've done all the study and training, me, I just play with words)
Springer

[*] posted on 2-7-2009 at 09:44
I like it! it worked for me.
Nimuae

[*] posted on 2-7-2009 at 07:30
Quote:
Originally posted by LSemmens
I thought it was good. The imagery is as you have described in your last post. The first stanza may well be better as the last and the last, as the first.

Thinking about it, start with
You.....life; followed by a gentle stanza
then soul
mind
heart
then, the first stanza omiting "or since"
and use that as a last, stand alone phrase.



I have looked at that Leigh - but, as the poem was about love at first sight, I feel that if I moved 1st to 4th it would lose that.

It is/was supposed to convey the overwhelming impact that just hits you at the time - some poor unsuspecting (hence the 'gently') guy just shakes and .... wow! Then, gradually, the ripple effects that follow.

Hey - if I am having to explain it - then it obviously doesn't work. I'll just scrap it and go back to playing around with 'Time' ! LOL
LSemmens

[*] posted on 1-7-2009 at 13:59
I thought it was good. The imagery is as you have described in your last post. The first stanza may well be better as the last and the last, as the first.

Thinking about it, start with
You.....life; followed by a gentle stanza
then soul
mind
heart
then, the first stanza omiting "or since"
and use that as a last, stand alone phrase.
Nimuae

[*] posted on 1-7-2009 at 05:59
Good point, Victor.

I was thinking in terms of the person coming gently but the effects being dramatic. Will have another look at that stanza and see if it can be reworded.
victor

[*] posted on 30-6-2009 at 22:50
Sorry Nimuae It doesn't work for me,

You came softly into my life,

and every synapse exploded.

To hard and violent.
Snowy

[*] posted on 30-6-2009 at 21:00
Nimuae.....!!...................Sorry, I will post a reply tomorrow, That has just summed up my life in a nutshell.
:(:(:(
Nimuae

[*] posted on 30-6-2009 at 20:44
YOU CAME SOFTLY INTO MY LIFE.


You came softly into my life,

You smiled and shook my hand
and every synapse exploded.
I wanted you then as I have never
wanted anyone before - or since!

You came softly into my mind,

You walked through my dreams
and left me gasping for reality!
Your gentle voice and your
soft laughter haunt me still.

You came softly into my heart,

You melted feelings that had
been frozen by time and old scars.
You awakened in me a need
to love and to be loved again.

You came softly into my soul,

I feel blessed that you did.
Although you were never mine
my world was better for your
presence in it, and I feel glad

that you came softly into my life.


Nimuae 2009